Sorry I Left Your Party, I Had an Essay Due at Midnight

By Sammie Roe

Hey babie girl,

It’s Sammie! Your bestie festie roomie. I just wanted to let you know why I left your party early. I had an essay due that night at 11:59 PM and I completely forgot about it until we were taking shots of Jack Daniels, and the name “Jack” reminded me of Jake from YDSA who’s dating Tan from the English class that the essay was due in. I had to leave as quickly as possible, and I’m sorry for not saying bye. I know it was super shitty of me to just jump off the party bus in the middle of the Gulch and onto the top of a random car, but babes I promise the car was my Uber and that me not moving for thirty seconds wasn’t because of my spine fracturing in two places but only because it fractured in one spot.

Anyway boo bear, I realized while I was on top of the car that the driver was not in fact my Uber which makes no sense because how many people in Nashville drive a Black Toyota Subaru?? The driver was also super aggro to me for no reason. Like I’m a scared, confused young woman on the top of a car in fifty-degree weather with only a corset set on and he decides that he wants to call me a “stupid, wacko bitch” and that I need to get off before he “brake checks me into the center of Broadway”?? Like, come on. Violence against women is so over in 2022. Luckily, I ended up seeing my Uber so I called her, and told her to open her sunroof and pull over to the car I was conveniently on top of. I rolled inside once she was close enough and landed safely in her back seat. There was a kid in a car seat there, so I might have kicked him in the head but he was okay. His head was pretty lumpy to begin with. Also, I didn’t know that Uber had a Take Your Kid to Work Day. Very cute!

Okay so once I got in the right Uber, we finally made it back to Roth. I kissed the Uber driver goodbye on the cheekies and handed the dented kid some candy I found in my purse. Now thinking back, I think it might have been molly but honestly, that’s an even better treat. At this point, I’m on campus, ready to go back to the room and ready to call you to tell you what’s up. But then guess what happens. I see fucking Derrick. Yeah, Derrick, my ex-Derrick. The Derrick who dumped me because he wanted to “focus on the Lord” and get away from the “carnal pleasures I tempted him with in my vixenish, earthly form.” And do you know what I see Derrick doing? I see him tongue fucking some random girl right in the courtyard of Roth. First of all, what kind of whore behavior is that? Literally, no one wants to see you groping each other’s hot and sweaty pathetic bodies as you grind each other into the asphalt. Secondly, I don’t think the ten commands include hooking up with random people, so fuck your religious bullshit, Derrick. I’m not going to shit on the girl because Elizabeth Warren wouldn’t want me to, but God she can do better. I was two seconds away from throwing my purse at them, but then some sophomore handled it for me by projectile vomiting all over them because he thought they were a tree. 

At this point, I could have called you, but I was so exhausted and my back was killing me so I just went back to the room. I promise that I watched all the snaps you sent and the Insta stories you posted. I made sure to heart them all too! I really wanted to butt chug that whiskey with you but hopefully another day. I didn’t end up finishing the assignment by midnight but don’t worry I used my spine to get an extension. My professor wasn’t very lenient with the extension though :/ I guess a spine injury isn’t enough to get a full day extension. I have to get it done by the beginning of class. Don’t worry though! I took like five tylenol and a hot toddy so the pain wasn’t too bad. I promise I’ll make this all up to you. We should def get dinner after my spinal surgery in a couple of weeks. I heard that they’re building a new Thai spot in VUMC and they infuse their red curry with opioids to “rejuvenate the recovering body.”  

Hugs and Kisses,

Sammie Roe

P.S. Sorry about the blood on the carpet. I’ll clean it tomorrow.