Mold This, Mold That. When Are We Going to Talk about the Poop-Stained Panties I Found in the Lupton 4 Bathroom?

By: Slant Staff

Listen, I understand that the mold found in Morgan (and now Lewis) is a big deal. I get it, you get it. Even the Hustler gets it, or at least I thought they did? I could’ve sworn I saw an article about it but it’s not there anymore. I can’t say I’m surprised though, considering the fact that they can’t even be bothered to talk about one of the REAL issues impacting campus life: the poop-stained panties I found in the Lupton 4 bathroom.

Coming to college, I expected to see some things I didn’t really want to see. At times, this has proven true but mostly in very manageable and not trauma-inducing ways. Exhibit A: witnessing my grade on the macro midterm a month after the semester ended. Exhibit B: Zeppos serving “Pasta Fix” for the fourth night in a row. Exhibit C: that butt I saw through a first-story dorm window whose shutters were tragically only ¾ of the way shut. At the very least, I can confirm that the owner of that butt was not the culprit of the aforementioned piece of biological warfare. 

When I contacted the necessary people about the panties (my RA via GroupMe who then talked to the O’HARE people or something) I expected action and, more importantly, some sort of compensation for the emotional and medical damages sustained. Naturally, you understand why I was a little bit miffed when I got told that there was nothing they would do about the panties and that I should instead look on the bright side of the situation. Be grateful the panties were in the bathroom: isn’t that where poop belongs, silly? Also, did you know that human feces make for a good natural fertilizer? We used to have such a lovely greenhouse and now there’s that nice little community garden too, didn’t you see it on your tour?

Listen Vanderbilt students, you deserve better. Or at least some of you do. From what I understand a good number of you are already fairly well off. If we let poop stained panties slide, what will come next? Poop stained bras? Poop stained mold? Plain old poop? No, wait, that last one has also already happened.

I’m really freaking out over here. My perfect score on the writing and language section of the SAT prepared me to go into consulting, not lead a movement. Still, I will not be silenced.

…Unless O’HARE wants to give me an extra $50 in Commodore Cash for emotional damages – that is like two whole 2-for-$25 deals at Chili’s.