Hooking Up For Housing: Why I Won’t Be Sleeping With Anyone Who Doesn’t Live In A Res College

By: Slant Staff

Vanderbilt has no housing. Rather than solving the problem in a rational matter, like say allowing us to live off-campus, OHARE has asked students to beg for housing (or simply bribe their way into a six-person suite). I, however, am a woman of principle. I refuse to get on my knees for The Man. My solution? To get on my knees for just some man. 

In previous academic years, my standards for possible suitors were different. I might have settled for someone who lived in McGill if they evoked enough of my daddy issues, or even a Branscomb babe if they caught me on a bad day. But next year, all of this changes. Despite my non-residential college living status, I won’t be caught outside of Warren or Moore or even one of those buildings in Zeppos no one knows the individual names of. OHARE claims “over 2,000 students applied for roughly 800 spots” in residential colleges. You know what I hear from that generic, fuck-you statement? I have 800 chances to find someone to shack up with. OHARE can continue to try and strip me of my res college rights, but I’m the only one who can choose to strip myself for them.