My Family Went Keto, so I Switched My Depression Meds for Water
By: Cameron Peloso
I’ve never been the type of person who buys into fad diets. I mean, did I go pescatarian during that period of 2017-2018 where everyone was cutting meat out of their diet? Yes. But other than that, I practice what I recently learned on TikTok is called “intuitive eating”. It’s easy, it’s customizable around the frankly horrific dining experience, and best of all, it makes me feel good. The mindlessness of eating a bowl of cereal at midnight is one of the simple pleasures of life.
Record scratch, freeze frame. Apparently, my family has no interest in my happiness, because they’ve recently converted to a keto diet. If you don’t know what keto is, you basically cut out one half of the good part about eating (carbs), but keep the other good part about eating (fats). It’s a very strange, “why don’t bisexuals just choose one gender”-esque idea if you ask me, but I have simply no choice in the matter!
My mom is the very definition of a girlboss. Has a doctorate in vet medicine and the loudest voice at a meeting when she doesn’t agree with someone. She’s my idol, for sure. But holy hell, when she chooses a goal, she commits to it. Me living at college does not deter my family from committing to this “healthy journey” in the slightest. I now have KetoOnTheGo, the demon child of Life360 and Duolingo, downloaded on my phone to keep me up to date on all my “Ketotastic!” requirements.
When I say this diet has made my life a living hell, it is no exaggeration. And no, it’s not due to the hellish app that watches me even when I sleep, or the lack of beans in my already protein deficient diet. Before this, I didn’t even like beans, ok? I was firmly anti-bean, but now I find myself waxing poetic over a pinto in the pantry at midnight. It’s frankly horrific behavior. But no, it’s not that I miss the beans. It’s the fact that apparently Zoloft is “not keto.” You heard that right, the medication that allows me to leave my room for six out of seven days a week contains carbs in order to make the pill a pill shape. Therefore, I…cannot take it? KetoOnTheGo says it’s against the rules, and my mom has been trying to convince me that all medication is placebo anyway.
But, my Keto Babies, let me tell you. As I write this article, I am over a month and a half off my meds! This circumstance has enabled me to finally listen to 90% of Twitter and allow drinking copious amounts of water to control my life, instead of manufactured serotonin. Each morning, I wake up and drink 13 mouthfuls of water straight from the tap of the McGill bathroom (KetoOnTheGo says the minerals and black mold are good for me). It has to be lukewarm, because that’s the best way to imitate the warm fuzzy feeling of chemical equilibrium that Zoloft gave me.
While some people may swear by a morning shower, I swear by this. Sometimes I even get a little limescale in my drink, which kind of makes it like a smoothie! And throughout my day, whenever I’m starting to feel a little down or dehydrated, I just take myself to the nearest campus bathroom and sip – a personal favorite is the bathrooms on floor seven of Central. The red door is really the perfect mood-lifter, and I’m getting a lot better at getting my head unstuck from the sink. Clearly, the manufacturers didn’t take my big head in mind when they were scaling the bowl. A major oversight, if you ask me.
These days, I am so well hydrated that I can just spontaneously burst into tears at the opening notes of a Phoebe Bridgers song. Who cares if I sometimes feel like I can’t get out of bed? In a guaranteed 20 minutes, I am forced up by the fear that my bladder may actually explode! And the spray of sink water on my face is just as good as the shower I just can’t seem to take.
In this new life, I am reborn. I Am Ketotastic!
