Vanderbilt Announces Number 1 Rankings in Five Exciting New Categories


The recent release of the USNews university rankings might have some Vandy peeps upset over our dearth of #1 titles. However, let’s not forget all of the amazing things in which Vandy continually comes out on top!

  1. Lowest squirrel to sexual assault warning email ratio

Vandy is quick to boast the 3:1 squirrel to student ratio, but we think it’s time we give this lesser-known ratio its due credit! Nothing expresses Vandy’s care for and dedication to their survivor students better than their biweekly, copy-and-pasted autogenerated email warnings. I personally sleep so much better at night knowing that Vandy is tireless in their efforts to protect students from the assaulters they leave anonymous and hesitate to take legal action against. I mean really, if Vandy didn’t care about victims, why would they include a whopping set of three alllllmost sentence-long bullet points redefining consent (because the main problem was obviously a lack of clear definition – glad that’s resolved!)? What more can you ask for!

  1. Strongest frat to American Studies pipeline

While I had initially never heard about the American Studies department, every frat star I asked since has told me it’s all the rave. Thinking on it longer, walking into an American Studies class only to be greeted by the most average-looking frat bros feels like an American study in itself. But hey, at least they’re not KSig Philosophy majors.  

  1. Most annoying Yik Yak users

Little did we know that greekrank would soon be replaced by its more annoying, more anonymous little brother Yik Yak. I hope the next person to mention their yakarma or their killer number of upvotes gets to the 2301 line at the middle of lunch rush, riiiiight when the freshmen hit. Maybe all that time in line will give them the opportunity to realize you don’t need a good Yik Yak post to be cool or make friends: all you really need is a good heart, kind soul, and so, so much money.

  1. Most committed Beta recolonization rep

If you haven’t seen the Beta rep at this point, I’m genuinely concerned about the slim amount of time you’ve been spending outside of your dorm room. Seriously, please go outside, you’re gonna fail Biochem anyway. But back to our man, I see his blond buzzcut literally everywhere. His stark blue Rand table has even started to set up permanently in my dreams, alongside the thought of Zeppos twisting down his namesake tower like JLo in “Hustlers”, and the orgasmic pipedream of the return of EBI pho. If the whole Beta recolonization thing doesn’t work out, I’m begging him to consider recolonizing this ass. 

  1. Deadliest campus landscaping

Ok, maybe this one is too niche, but I’m making a prediction. That tree with the rock-solid fruit the size of a former DKE’s ego (aka wayyyy too big) is gonna cause some casualties soon. I know Vandy’s in love with the idea of being an arboretum, but this tree takes it too far. The fruit drops faster and harder than the one guy I’ve seen wipe out on his one-wheel twice this semester already (if you’re reading this, please get a concussion test, the last one looked bad). 

  • November 19, 2021