Study Finds People Who Say “Vandy Dining Hates Us” Didn’t Have a Good Relationship with their Dad

In a ground-breaking study from the VU Department of Zeppos Father Figures Studies, researchers have discovered a nearly perfect 1:1 correlation between people who think Vandy Dining is personally victimizing them and people whose dads were stingy with their love. This research sent shockwaves through much of the Vanderbilt student body and resulted in many phone calls to Vanderbilt fathers across the country, all of which went to voicemail.

Principal Investigator Pat Reerch was available via email to answer questions on the revolutionary takeaways of his study.

“Through our qualitative interviews, it appears that many students associate the scarcity of any substantive food on Vanderbilt’s campus with the absolute scarcity of love within their childhood homes,” Reerch said. “One study participant put it particularly well: ‘When Vanderbilt doesn’t give me anything to eat except Mr. C Pez candies and scraps of paper torn from failed midterms, it reminds me of my Dad telling me that the chicken parmesan he made was the only thing I was getting for dinner, even though there were Bagel Bites in the freezer.’”

Dr. Reerch went on to suggest that other areas of campus life reflect Vanderbilt’s role as a father figure for students. He speculated that Vanderbilt’s continued failure to provide adequate in-house mental health resources mirrors the failures of dads to give students a hug every once and a while. Dr. Reerch also suggested that measures like giving students $50 in meal money imitates fathers’ attempts to buy off their angsty teenagers with BMWs, if only they’ll leave the house so the dads can watch golf in peace.

Dr. Reerch’s study also detailed a secondary correlation: the people who still think the Pub is coming back also believe that their dads are still at the corner store buying milk and cigarettes. Dr. Reerch wouldn’t theorize on the mechanisms of this statistical relationship, instead only saying, “God bless those single mothers.”

Dr. Reerch was excited about the implications of his study: “The potential for new University policy based on these connections is fascinating. Who can imagine all the ways that Vanderbilt will manipulate its students based on their long-standing daddy issues?”

Dr. Reerch concluded his email by asking if I wanted to go to Alumni Lawn and “throw the old pigskin around, sport.” I politely declined because my daddy already promised me an ice cream cone and an affirming back pat after I finished writing this article.