The Slant’s Guide To Zoom Recruitment
By Miles Borowsky and Julia Schmitt
Starting virtual recruitment this weekend? Here are The Slant’s top tips to score the house of your dreams!
- Talk about the latest superspreader event and why it was the best party you’ve been to in weeks!
- Make sure your Cartier Love Bracelet clatters against your keyboard with each and every keystroke.
- Visit this website.
- Have your cute skinny roommate sit in front of your camera and text her a script as you hide under your desk quaking in fear.
- Pay off your RA to knock on your door every twenty-two minutes so you can get up and make sure that everyone knows exactly what shoes you’re wearing.
- Color in the star on your golden gooses with neon paint to make sure it really pops on the webcam!
- Awkward silence? Start reciting Gregory Peck’s famous monologue from “To Kill A Mockingbird.”
- Fill your water bottle with vodka and take a shot every time you hear “future bridesmaids.”
- Talk about how you, “just really think that I can better help cure racism from within! You know?”
- Make sure that your closet curtain isn’t closed! Those Lulu tennis skirts absolutely must be visible if you’re hoping to rush top tier.
- Throw on your Canada Goose and tell them your heat is broken! (but not in a poor person way, of course).
- Twinkly lights and tapestries are so Branscomb: opt for your dead grandma’s pearls and Burberry scarves instead.
- Don’t use a ring light, let the sheer glow of your superiority shine through 🙂
- Make sure you are clear about how your charcuterie boards are just as photogenic as you are!!!
- “Accidentally” screen share the multi-million+ dollar Zestimate of your family’s Vail house.
Good luck! And if all else fails, just rush Slant instead.
