Scientists Attribute Recent Breakthrough in Eradicating COVID-19 to Roundabouts and Up-Only Staircases

Recent studies from the CDC demonstrate that universities, on average, have seen a 96 percent drop in COVID cases after placing stickers in front of doors featuring instructions such as “Exit Only,” “Stand Here,” or “Do Not Step Foot Inside This Building Without a Mask or You Will Get Sniped.” 

Vanderbilt has taken this a step further and demonstrated exemplary leadership by designating walking paths with arrows throughout buildings. “It’s like driving,” said Dean Corey Rawna. “You stay on one side and nothing bad happens! Cross over and, well, we’ll let Student Accountability take it from there…” 

One student, however, expressed confusion and frustration over the placement of these arrows. “I started off in Rand and I tried to follow the arrows to get my 2301 bowl. Somehow I ended up at Belmont!”

In areas that are likely to be heavily crowded, the administration implemented “roundabouts,” which are scientifically proven to decrease positive COVID test results by 80 percent. One member of the Class of 2024 commented, “They just make me feel safer. In fact, there’s nothing that brings me more serotonin than strutting around that roundabout knowing there’s not a chance in hell I’ll be getting that motherf*cking virus. In fact, sometimes I just keep walking around it! It’s my moment of peace.” 

Vanderbilt is now requiring hosts of “gatherings” to order roundabout and arrow stickers (available at the Bookstore for purchase) to put on the ground before any in-person social event. The administration believes this will “enhance the student social experience while maintaining rigorous safety protocols.”  

Staircases, also shown to be high-risk areas for disease spreading, have been designated as “up only” or “down only.” Now, students smoking in Commons stairwells will be forced to exercise while they get high. “They just have to keep moving around the building. It’s a win-win for students and for the university,” said Director of Athletics M.J. Budd.

Although case numbers at universities across the country are rising rapidly, Vanderbilt’s administration remains confident in their protocols and efforts. “Vanderbilt is different,” said the Chancellor. “With every sticker we place, we’re one step closer to having a successful semester and a COVID-free world.”