Most of my articles are awful, thank God this isn’t one of them

I know exactly what you’re thinking: “What the fuck did I do to earn another fucking article from this human wooden dildo (the least practical of all dildos).” And I know that most of my articles are really, really bad, but you guys are in luck because this is not one of those articles.

I mean sure this article isn’t great, but it’s certainly tolerable. And I think it’s important that we grade on a curve given my previous track record of the absolute garbage I’ve churned out. I had some idea that my piece “783 stoplights that look pretty darn similar” would be poorly received, but the vitriol I got was unprecedented. After the article aired, I had several people send me packages of figs (my favorite fruit).  But after biting into it, I realized that it was no fig, but instead a date. It was then that I knew I was making enemies with my writing, but my hardship had only started.

Not to brag or anything, but my bad articles have cost me nearly everything. I had clung to my dignity but once I wrote a piece called “Your baby still can’t talk? Have you tried whacking it somewhat hard?” For some reason, my family’s breaking point wasn’t the baby schmacking, however, they did leave me after the prolific narrative “Who am I again? (Seriously(Seriously))(Seriously).”  I had this really fucking sweet pen until I wrote the article “I lost my really fucking sweet pen.”

Well, thank the fucking lord, this article is kinda fun, no? I’m setting a low bar, and as long as I’m not eating from a tube after this gets published, I’m counting it as a major victory.

In fact, at the moment I am squatting in an abandoned washing machine, trying to ignore my loudly farting roommate, Prince. I am scratching this article on the side of drier #4, hoping a kind soul will read this and say “Nice!”