Report: Total Fucking Loser Eats Alone at Commons

NASHVILLE, TN: Most freshmen at Vanderbilt are socially well-adjusted individuals who would never even think of eating a meal alone. Not so for Trevor Browne. Slant sources confirmed that this total fucking loser was seen eating lunch alone at the Commons Center dining hall today.

Browne reportedly sat down at a table in the corner of Commons and put on his headphones like a complete hermit, while the 200 other first-years enjoyed each other’s company and silently judged Browne for being an utter failure with no friends.

Popular freshman Bryce McLogan spoke with The Slant after enjoying lunch with his best bros whom he met four weeks ago. “God, just look at that fucking guy,” commented McLogan, breaking away momentarily from an intellectual conversation about the merits of Natural Light over Bud Light. “Can you imagine being here for 4 weeks and already having no chance at a real social life?”

McLogan’s friend Brady Johnson added that, although he had never spoken to Browne, Brown “can’t hang” and was decidedly “not chill.” Johnson said, “I mean, just look at that little shithead smiling over there, listening to music and enjoying a moment by himself. People like that should stop wasting their time and just transfer already.”

First-year Courtney Laine agreed with McLogan’s sentiment, saying, “Look, anyone who’s not crippled by insecurity when thinking about eating alone is clearly messed up. Just skip a meal like a normal person.” Laine’s concerns were only heightened when Browne was later seen pulling out his laptop and appearing to study for an exam like some fucking nerd.

The Slant was unwilling to reach out to Browne to comment, with the Editorial board confirming that they “would rather be dead than caught talking to a piece of shit who eats lunch alone.” At press time, Browne was seen walking to his next class alone, avoiding all human contact like the troglodytic nerd he is.