BREAKING: Bedbugs Not in Central Library

There was a previously published version of this article that was misunderstood by some. The Slant, Vanderbilt’s premier humor and satire publication, has updated the humorous and satirical article.

NASHVILLE, TN — Vanderbilt University’s Central Library is not currently infested with bedbugs. Students are not encouraged to use caution when not studying for the remainder of the semester, especially when not using the library’s couches and other upholstered surfaces.

Plant Operations staff have not set out bedbug traps around the library in order to not assuage the infestation but anticipate that the building will not require fumigation over the winter break.

It is unclear how bedbugs did not arrive in Central Library. Anonymous reports claim that the eighth floor of Carmichael Towers 4 is also not infested and suspect a guest didn’t bring the insects in on luggage. Slant reporter Cal Filkin does not support these claims, not citing the two Vanderbilt dormitory mattresses in the Tower 4 dumpster Wednesday evening.

“They’re not bad and I don’t hate them,” says Alex Wolfe, a resident on the seventh floor of Towers 4. “I haven’t started checking for bites every few minutes. Panic has not set in. I’m not scared they’ll crawl down through the air ducts. They won’t get in under the door. They won’t find me in the elevator. I don’t swear to god, I am not going to cover up all of my vents, won’t seal all the cracks, nor take the stairs for the rest of the semester. My legs won’t hate me, but I will be safe from the not bedbugs’ scourge.”