SOON-TO-BE-BREAKING: Everyone Sucks

In light of recent news, it seems almost certain that soon, everyone, absolutely everyone on the planet Earth, will be revealed to be absolute garbage.

The public has, in the past weeks, been made aware of certain pieces of shit – namely, Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, and Louis C.K. – but it would seem that there is so much more shit. Though we cannot say for sure, it is more than likely that beloved actor Tom Hanks will be outed as the second zodiac killer (in addition, of course, to Ted Cruz) and that Mr. Rogers will be shown to have had a direct say in the internment of the Japanese in the aftermath of Pearl Harbor. Photographs of Big Bird snorting meth will occupy the front page of newspapers across the nation. And, of course, it is almost incontrovertible that your mother will be uncovered as a card-carrying member of the Ku Klux Klan.

There used to be good people, but that no longer seems to be the case. The sexual harassment scandals of the recent past are not even the tip of the iceberg. Do you remember stealing that kid’s show-and-tell project in pre-K?

Yes, you, too, will be demonstrated to be shit.

If you have any heroes or role models, now is the time to stop having them. In fact, I met some of your heroes and role models today, and they all started kicking puppies. While I was talking to them.

If you are worried about what this portends for humanity at large, you are right to be worried.

Everything is awful. Thanks for reading.