Confirmed: All of Your Professors Conspired to Make Your Lives Hell

An anonymous Vanderbilt senior confirmed that she observed a group of professors sitting together at a table in Stevenson Library during the evening hours. Amidst the groups of Vanderbilt students crying in Stevenson, the senior remained concealed by hiding behind the printer, allowing her to hear bits of their conversation. While the professors wore dark robes that concealed their faces, she deduced that the group included at least a few Chemistry, Calculus, Biology, Physics, and English professors.

Oddly enough, it seemed that the other students studying in Stevenson didn’t pay this group of black-robed teachers any mind. Hearing hushed whispers such as “I heard this day’s Commodore Quake”, “Isn’t there a Chem test the day before?” and the occasional evil laughter, the senior could only conclude that these professors were conspiring to make Vanderbilt students’ schedules stressful and packed. The senior deduced that these professors were purposely putting all of their assignments and tests the same days.

“Seeing this unfold, I could only remember tears streaming down my face in Stevenson as I completed my MasteringChem homework the night before the test while simultaneously realizing I understood nothing and that I should probably also start my five page English paper due the next day,” the senior — a recovering premed, now HOD major– revealed, her eyes filled with tears.

“In that moment, everything just made sense to me — no more did I have to wonder why I had three tests and a paper due the same week. In fact, I almost fist-pumped and excitedly cheered right then and there before realizing that 1) I was in Stevenson Library, 2) the professors would realize that I was eavesdropping, and 3) nothing could make up for my loss of sleep and deep-set depression during these weeks.”

No longer believe that it’s a coincidence that the Stevenson Library seems to be packed with a more-than-usual-number of suffering students during certain weeks. While it may be too late for this senior to take advantage of this knowledge, other students have begun to persuade themselves that this time, they won’t procrastinate on that paper.