Heartbreaking: Roommate Found Still Alive

Martin McIntosh knew his roommate, James, had been partying “all day, every day” — he had read James’ latest tweet, proclaiming that he had “totally died after that rager last night XD #hellyeah #fuckinright”. And Martin had hoped that, for once, James was telling the truth.

But instead, tragedy struck: James Douglas, Martin’s roommate, was found still alive in his bed at 10:07 PM.

“I just remember thinking, ‘Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, shit. How could this be?!’” Martin said. “It just didn’t even seem real that this could be happening.”

According to Martin, James has been an asshole since Day 1 of Vanderbilt – he “always leaves his socks in the middle of the room” and “smells odd”. After attempting several interactions with his roommate, all of which ended with James dabbing, Martin had prayed that James would really be dead. Unfortunately, this hope failed to materialize.

“It is with a heavy heart that we report James Douglas to still be very much alive and very much intent on taking off his towel without telling you, when he gets back from the shower,” Chancellor Zeppos announced at an early-morning press conference. “We at Vanderbilt will work hard to ensure that something as horrible as this never happens again.”

Flowers and condolences may be sent to Martin McIntosh at 628 Hank Ingram House in Nashville, Tennessee.