Top 10 Ways to Pretend You’re Not Lonely and Having an Existential Crisis About How You’ll Never Find Real Love

1. Say you have “Galentine’s plans.”

2. Sing Sarah McLachlan songs all night “ironically.”

3. Dismiss Valentine’s Day as a soulless corporate holiday designed to prop up the flower industry.

4. Cry yourself to sleep (in class).

5. Cry yourself to sleep (with class).

6. Buy all of Hallmark’s candy. DON’T EAT IT. Return it February 15. HIT ‘EM WHERE IT HURTS.

7. Get drunk at Chili’s by yourself and cry into a skillet full of queso, but pretend you’re crying because of the jalapeños.

8. “Adopt” a cat you found in a dumpster. Watch cat abandon you like everyone else.

9. Stage a coup to overthrow Chilean President Salvadore Allende and prop up a neoliberal despot in his place.

10. Join The Slant.