Join the Slant: Sophie To

I am old and feeble. Life is rapidly oozing out of me (the oozing is inconvenient because it causes me to use many tissues). Neither my joints nor my bladder function anymore, and my face is more wrinkly than my Very Wrinkly Scrotum. But I have one last wish: You, my children, must join The Slant.

I started writing for The Slant in August 2012. You were not born yet. I was merely a little boy then, and The Slant has helped me grow into the wheezing, incontinent man that I am now.

First, The Slant is great because you can ruthlessly make fun of people without facing the consequences. For example, if you write a scathing and very funny review of your ex-girlfriend Jill but replace “Jill” with another name, like “Krill,” then she will never know that you were trash-talking her. She might even compliment you on your very funny article.

In addition to writing for The Slant, you can do other things to it. For example, you can copy edit, design, plan social events, or toast The Slant when you drink the Fancy Alcohol.

The Slant can even help you with jobs. I have The Slant on my resume, and clearly that is not a bad thing because no one has ever said to me, “Sir, you need to remove The Slant from your resume because it is a bad thing.” I even have some offers from legitimate employers.

Lastly, The Slant can cause you to have more friends. This did not happen to me, but don’t worry, I am the sole exception.

Join The Slant. Wednesdays, 9 p.m., Sarratt 130. Do it for those who can’t, those who couldn’t, those who can’t anymore, and those who can’t even. Do it for me.

I love you.

Soph

Pronouns: She/them/his