As the school year draws to a close, many of you will be too consumed with your “summer internships” to keep up with our excellent reporting. That’s no big deal—here are a few of our (highly accurate) predictions about what’s going to happen this summer in the world of celebrity gossip.
- AkPsi Alum goes down for insider trading
The sky is blue, isn’t it? I feel like they definitely have a fraternity betting pool about who’s going down for it, as well as a dartboard with famous alumni faces to actually determine that.
- Timothée Chalamet releases flavored sex toy line, does just okay
“Séex” by Timothée Chalamet, as I predict it will be called, probably won’t do that great. I’ve seen the pictures of him macking on Lily-Rose Depp and I expect the same lukewarm, flaccid passion will be conveyed by whatever peach-flavored device he launches.
- Scarlett Johansson once again fails to avoid appropriating other cultures when Quentin Tarantino casts her as Frida Kahlo in his upcoming film
Fulfilling the wet dreams of film bros and people who think Pulp Fiction is the best movie ever made, ScarJo will once again be thrown into the deep end of another cultural appropriation scandal. Except she won’t be “thrown,” she’ll be actively choosing to take on a POC role as a white woman.
- R Kelly makes a shocking comeback after collaborating with Scott Disick on a feminine care line for teens
Just when you thought grown men couldn’t get more disgusting.
- Betty White doesn’t just outlive us all—she murders everyone on earth
The joke about Betty White being old is getting trite. This summer, Betty White will snap when Biden emails her the nuke codes “on accident.”
- Candles from Leonardo DiCaprio’s backyard sex teepee set California ablaze yet again
DiCaprio, like many insects and horny high schoolers, will resume having loud outdoor sex this summer. Unfortunately, while hitting his juul DiCaprio will likely knock over a candle or lantern mid-stroke and cause another massive evacuation due to forest fires.
- In the wake of being unwelcome at Kanye’s “Sunday Services,” Kardashians commercialize Christianity with “Kristianity” brand
Unsurprisingly, Krobert won’t show. Surprisingly, despite Kris’s name sounding most like “Christ,” Khloe will be taking the role of Jesus due to her recent “crucifixion” on social media. Wow, Khloe, maybe the expensive surgeries, weight loss products and contouring that you and your family promote to impressionable young women as the standard of beauty came back to bite you? However, any questions like the ones I just asked will be written off as blasphemy and I will likely be uninvited to whatever the Kristianity “service” looks like. I’m taking bets on when a call leaks from Kim to Rihanna to see if she can borrow her 2018 Met Gala pope costume.
- Similarly, Kendall Jenner turns away from modelling and single handedly solves racism
While she certainly couldn’t do it with Pepsi a few years back, I predict Kendall Jenner’s silence is not an example of her capitalizing on her wealth and privilege to ignore social ills but actually evidence that Kendall will spring into mid-2021 with the most radical treatise on wealth, intergenerational trauma, race and gender that the academic world has ever seen. She will also, at some point, give Diet Coke to a protestor, which will be absolutely groundbreaking on every level.
- Nicki and Cardi pair up on the most ambitious single since WAP, but the ensuing Twitter beef between the Barbs and the Cardi Stans shuts down the site, systematically covering up yet another Armie Hammer vore video
A video where Armie Hammer literally eats human flesh will be leaked on Twitter. However, this will be covered up in late summer 2021 when Nicki and Cardi lay down their arms (and six inch acrylics) to spit one of the nastiest tracks since WAP. However, old habits die hard, and the Barbz and Cardi Stans will shut down Twitter (and evidence of Armie’s DMs) in the bloodbath.
- Taylor Swift releases “Everclear,” triplet album to Evermore and Folklore because let’s face it, this will not be a sober summer
For a summer that will be spent vaccinated and completely intoxicated by the majority of America, Taylor definitely predicted the need for summer bops that make you want to strip all your clothes off, stick a funnel in your ass and butt chug everclear.