By Rachel Haselkorn
Thanksgiving season is a wonderful time of year. The weather is nice, everything is great and everyone is happy. And then, you hear it: “I still would like to see Barack Obama’s birth certificate.” Your neo-nazi grandpa, who just won’t seem to die, has returned to irritate everyone and be a public nuisance at yet another family gathering.
Unfortunately, much of what the Thanksgiving season brings is the return of those relatives that you only ever see at major holidays and funerals. After hearing these degenerates say things like “It looks like you’ve stopped exercising since I last saw you,” or “Where are your boyfriend’s people from?” year after year, your hatred for them has probably reached a boiling point. Not to worry, we have compiled a list of the five most effective ways to piss off your boomer relatives:
1. Introduce them to your same-sex partner, regardless of your sexual orientation
This is a surefire way to infuriate your old, obnoxious relatives. The more antiquated their belief system, the better. Whether or not you are interested in the same sex, the two of you should roll up to dinner wearing nothing but a rainbow flag and should spend the entire dinner giving a shot-for-shot description of your favorite episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Race. If you sense negativity from any of your relatives, feel free to institute a vibe check and throw some glitter at them to cheer them up. Ideally, this will send them into a fit of rage and a rant about how you’ve disappointed God, the likes of which haven’t been seen since this year’s Lawson Lecture.
2. Make a list of racist/sexist/homophobic slurs that may not be used during dinner and use your lists as placemats
This tactic is absolutely foolproof, as it will render your boomer relatives essentially mute. With so much offensive language banned from the dinner conversation, there will be almost no words left in their vocabularies and they will have no choice but to remain silent. This will make the dinner far more entertaining since you can watch them silently grow angrier and angrier. As an added bonus, this tactic will make your non-racist relatives visibly uncomfortable since they will have to eat their dinner atop a list of racial slurs.
3. Fill a spray bottle with water and spray anyone who says something racist
This method is beneficial in many ways. Not only will you be majorly pissing off your relatives by constantly spraying them in the face, but you will also be performing operant conditioning on them without their knowledge (thank you, PSY-1200). Much like this method would work on a misbehaved cat, your boomer relatives will come to expect a punishment (being sprayed) whenever they perform an undesirable behavior, being the offensive sacks of trash that they are, and will be psychologically conditioned to stop this behavior. You may be ruining your family’s Thanksgiving dinner, but you will be doing a favor to society.
4. Insist on performing a satanic ritual at the dinner table
This tactic is less targeted at your racist relatives, but is more so targeted at those relatives who look at you as if you belong in federal prison for not attending church regularly. Lay out your pentagram on the dinner table, begin chanting in latin, and ask for any volunteers to be sacrificed. If these relatives try to object to your satanic ritual, feel free to cause a scene and accuse them of disrespecting your religious beliefs. Flip the table, cast a satanic hex on them, call 911, do whatever you need to do. You’re making up for years of their judgemental bullshit, so don’t hold back.
5. Claim that you identify as a different race than you are, and constantly divert the conversation back to this
If all else fails, this will be 100% effective at infuriating almost anyone born before the nineties. It doesn’t matter how you accomplish this, but be sure that nobody says more than one or two sentences without you diverting the conversation back to the topic of which race you newly identify as. When you inevitably face some opposition or fury from your racist relatives, just whip out the spray bottle, hit them with an “OK, Boomer”, and get back to performing your satanic ritual.