OPINION: Rand Cookies are Back, but What About Confederate Memorial Hall?

Roger E. Lee here. I’ll be blunt (that’s right, no trigger warning): there is no platform for campus conservatives to voice our values. I’m starting this column to make a change and voice the oft-ignored moral views of the conservative party. 

I think there is an important lesson to learn from Cookie-Gate: with enough activism, we too (#wetoo) can make campus-wide change. So, while we’re at it, let’s bring back Confederate Memorial.

Now I, like many of you, had many ancestors who bravely fought for the Confederacy. They stood for true Southern ideals: states’ rights, efficient labor practices, and not taking any bullshit from Yankees. Sure, in hindsight, the whole slavery thing is a little embarrassing, but just because they were racist doesn’t mean they were bad people (the same goes for my parents).

They were American heroes, just like Harriet Tubman (I’ll take my woke-token now, thank you very much).

Liberals drone on about having “representation” on campus, but where is the representation of the Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy?? Where is our safe space?? Nowhere to be found, that’s where! It’s all Hillel this! Black Cultural Center that! Are we not deserving of the same respect? I love T-Pain and Challah bread as much as the next guy, but there’s NOWHERE on campus where one can find a quality turducken for supper! We must bring back the glory days of Confederate Memorial: sitting out on the porch, sipping on Grandma’s sweet tea, basking in the splendor of private property!

Look, buckaroo, we can’t just rewrite history. Ain’t it the PC THOUGHT POLICE that says we should be teaching kids about the Trail of Tears? Well, what about the trail of tears coming from honorable southern alumni who visit their old freshman dorm, only to recoil in horror at not only its neutered name, but also at its pink hair, rampant premarital sex, and “gender fluidity” (whatever the hell THAT means).

If you agree with my humble sentiments, please join the conservative movement at anchordownforfreedom.net (formerly nocucksnolibs.net). We will form a posse and storm Memorial just like my great-grandfather did at Fort Sumter (rest in glory). We will show this coastal elitist administration that our nation’s proud history is more important than some silly cookies. And don’t worry, we’ll provide the tiki torches.