Op-Ed: I Just Really Like Guns

As a lifelong gun owner and member of the National Rifle Association, I feel it is incumbent upon me, in the aftermath of the worst mass shooting in United States history, to explain my position on guns and why I believe we should not revert to slipshod policies on gun control to address the issue.

I’m not going to inundate you with statistics, graphs, or facts in support of my argument. I’m not going to berate you with “logic,” and I’m not going to engage in any of that gaslighting “rationality” business. No, I’m going to be straight with you:

I just like guns a lot.

I like the way they go “pew pew,” and I like the way they sometimes go “bang bang.”

Now, you can cite reports and studies until the cows come home, but I’m a real American, and I know that science only gets you so far. Voters don’t believe in numbers – they believe in our Constitution.

And they believe in it looking totally boss when you pull out a pistol and make it go “pow POW!”

Why do I like guns, other than the awesome noises, you ask? Well, for one thing, they are shiny. They are shiny like other shiny things – gold, for instance. Furthermore, they look like the guns used by cowboys, and that’s pretty cool. Thirdly, I can walk down the street confidently when I know I have my firearm on me, no matter how small my penis may be.

After a national tragedy such as what happened in Las Vegas, the absolute last thing we should be doing is pulling up evidence about how America’s gun violence far surpasses that of any wealthy nation, or about how the United States has seen almost one mass shooting per day in 2017. We should not be allowing the Liberals to take away our guns, or even regulate our guns in any way, shape, or form. We should be doing only two things:

Offering our thoughts and prayers, and ensuring that we preserve our fundamental, God-given rights to use our guns to go “blam BLAM!”