Putin Pledges to End War in Ukraine After Watching Katy Perry Stare at a Flower in Space
By Thomas Robertson
Image courtesy of Blue Origin.
For years now, Vladimir Putin has been launching attack after attack into Ukraine in hopes of claiming the land for Mother Russia in a quasi-imperial land grab. Thousands have died, many more injured. Civilians have been forced to flee war-zones, children have woken up to bombings and drone strikes. The land is marred with the blood of those who defended it, the streets run with blood as the Ukrainians stand in defense of their homeland. Nancy Pelosi and Dan Crenshaw continue to make millions of dollars from military-industrial complex investments. The situation is dire, to say the least.
It is at this point, when all seems lost and Pelosi’s pockets cannot seem to get any bigger without bursting, that humanity has turned to our one true pacifist leader. The United Nations? Never. An federally appointed ambassador, rich in foreign policy experience? Get the fuck out of here. The Swiss? Never a shot.
Katy Perry, seeing how bad things have gotten, decided that it was time to send cultural shockwaves across the globe. Along with Gayle King (for some reason), the pop star flew to space, looked into the shuttle camera while holding a dandelion, and then came promptly back down to Earth. While detractors (or as we call them, sexists) would say that this was a huge waste of money and resources, they fail to realize the political effects that this dandelion admiration had.
Upon watching the film of the crew’s space trip, Vladimir Putin immediately had an epiphany so magnificent that his bodyguards thought he was having a seizure. “Ahhhhh!” shouted Putin. “How was I so stupid! Who cares about my thousand-year-old, highly-flawed claim to Ukraine! It’s all about the dandelions in space!”
As Katy Perry was having the Nobel Peace Prize tied around her neck, Putin announced that Russia would be moving away from the Ukraine War, and instead spend its entire defense budget on launching dandelions into space.
The leader also announced that Perry’s likeness would be memorialized in a statue in Moscow, right next to the likes of Stalin and Lenin. A fitting location!
