DEAR PERIODS: STOP IT!
By Ethan “6’3 Champion of Women’s Rights” Blevins
Listen, I love women. In fact, I think I love them more than they love themselves. I read feminist literature, attend womens’ rallies and correct other men when they talk over women. Unless, of course, a little extra context is required, purely for everyone’s benefit. I am, in every way, an ally. As an ally, and with women’s history month just past us, I think it’s time we unite around a common enemy: periods.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Ethan, you can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have a period.” And to that, I say, WRONG! I have spent countless minutes deeply, even transcendentally, empathizing with the female experience; perhaps, in ways that not even women could never fully grasp. I’ve read The Feminine Mystique twice. I always wince in pain whenever a woman even mentions cramps. It’s a reflex at this point. So yeah, I think I get it. More importantly, I’m a solution-oriented guy. If there’s one thing that men are good at, it’s identifying problems women didn’t ask us to solve.
Periods are, by all accounts, a menace to the lives of women everywhere. Women tell me this all the time. “I’m in pain.” “I hate this.” “Oh my God, Ethan, stop talking to me about my own period.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that last one, I’d have enough to personally fund a global anti-period initiative, which, frankly, someone needs to start.
Think about it: Humanity has invented self-driving cars, lab grown meat, and AI that can write better than half of my classmates in my feminist literature class. Yet, we just are expected to accept that half the population has to endure monthly biological chaos? This is where science has failed women, and as a feminist (again, I read The Feminine Mystique. TWICE.), I feel personally responsible for fixing it. The specifics of this are best left to the experts, but I assure you, I am deeply committed to the cause.
Of course, there will be naysayers. Some might argue that menstruation is a natural biological function with a crucial role in reproductive health. To them I say: so were smallpox and polio, and we (mostly) got rid of those. Science moves forward, and it’s about time that we apply that same pioneering spirit to the affliction known as menstruation. Call it innovation. Call it progress. Call it yet another instance of my enthusiasm (possibly) outpacing an invitation for aid.
Ultimately, my dream is a world where women can be free from this archaic burden. A world where they can focus on their goals without living under the tyranny of tampons. A world where men like me, who love and respect women deeply, can finally rest easy knowing that we have liberated them from this burden. And if that’s not feminism, then frankly, I’m starting to think no one actually knows what feminism really is.
