I’m Not Religious, I’m Just a Cubs Fan

By Indy Hauter 

They say the most important part of any father’s life is the day their first child is born, but I don’t think anyone had to endure the generational struggle of Chicago Cubs baseball. Sure, April 18th is a special day for my kid, but November 2nd will always be celebrated in MY household. On that fateful day in 2016, I could feel the curse lift away from my body. The heavens opened up and God blessed me for supporting a big market baseball team that has no personal connections to its fans (that’s me!). Oh and also my family was there too, so they also got to enjoy it, which was kinda cool. 

First of all, I need to say that I don’t buy into this “religious” mumbo jumbo crap because it’s just an ancient tactic old rulers made up to control the masses. I like to think I’m much smarter than those people from 2000 years ago, but those Mayans sure did know how to create an entertaining ballgame! See I’m not that religious, far from it actually, but I like to think of my sport franchises as my personal deities. They give me so much joy and hope for this world, and autographs from my favorite players only cost $50! Instead of wasting my Sunday mornings sitting in boring Church, I choose to do something more productive and attend Bears home games for only 125 bucks. I understand that going to Mass has zero financial burden, but sitting at Church doesn’t make Jesus rise on the third day any faster. Instead, I could be insulting Packers fans at Soldier Field and distracting players with my elaborate fur game-day costume. 

Unfortunately, my love for sports has caused a rift between my wife and I. Admittedly, I have been dealing with what some scientists call a “gambling addiction.”I like to think of my condition as a surplus of passion, but losing half of our kids’ college fund is a cause for concern. Since then, I’ve had to relinquish control of our family’s bank account and go to God-awful therapy. I have learned some useful tricks from my therapist though, like learning not to scream as loud as I can when the Bears force a fumble. Still, my wife likes to call my hobby an addiction, but I keep reminding her that if I don’t bet on the games anymore then it scientifically cannot be described as one (just don’t tell her how much money I spend to watch NFL football every sunday). She complains that I’m not giving enough effort for the family like she does. All day she talks about “taking the kids to practice” or “getting groceries this week” but the moment I try to let the kids watch Blackhawks games she argues with me because “I get too violent when they let up a shorthanded goal.” I’m trying to teach our kids important lessons on sportsmanship, respect and honor, and watching hockey is the greatest way for them to see just how valuable those attributes are. Their eyes really do get glued to the TV screen sometimes though, usually because a Hawks player threw a nasty left liner turbo punch to down a guy. 

Lately, my wife has started talking to me about my sports “fanaticism” and how it affects her life. Because she doesn’t feel loved enough, I’ve tried to make amends with her and treat her like the queen she is, so I’ve decided to stop taking her to White Sox games. She deserves so much more than the historically worst baseball team in the modern era, but when I proposed the idea to her she got all mad for some odd reason. I didn’t know she grew up on the Southside, sue me! Since our little spat, I have been warming up to the idea of… not watching sports regularly (the horror!)  Funnily enough, the same woman who threatened to divorce me because of my superfan status actually changed my mind. Chicago sports aren’t in the greatest position right now (they haven’t been since the dissolution of the USSR), but they will rise again! If Jesus can die and be resurrected in three days, then the Chicago Bulls can reclaim their dynasty too! Maybe instead of watching the abysmal state of my childhood teams, I’ll take my kids out to the zoo or my wife to a concert. It’ll be nice to just relax and not have the actions of strangers dictate my mood for the rest of the day. But, just don’t let them know I have YouTube TV on my phone. I just need to see if the Cubs can actually hold onto this one-run lead for once…