Vanderbilt, The Thirstiest Campus Around

By Audrey Lingan 

Sometimes change is gradual, like the slow erosion of a shoreline or the shifting of the weather. As we obsess over the present, we ignore the invisible incremental changes around us. Before we know it, we take a step back and realize just how much the world has evolved. Today, as I sat in class, mindlessly tuning out the day’s lecture, it hit me: where have all the Stanleys gone? 

Maybe I’m shallow, but I did so enjoy seeing the herds of basic bitches clinging to their $45 cups like a medieval mace. What Stanleys lacked in affordability they made up for in being a cup. Oh, how just one look at those silly little straws would make all my troubles evaporate. Stanleys taught us that we can handle any situation, especially water bottles. Yet, in spite of the oceans of love we poured out, the company faces a plateau in sales—or a “Flat Stanley.” 

All around me, seemingly sprouting like weeds, my peers were quenching their thirst with…Owalas. Perhaps I should find this change refreshing? I mean, aren’t koalas the perfect animal to represent college kids? They’re lazy, eat all day and have high rates of chlamydia. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if this is another thirst trap. 

Like any good reporter, I took to the field. During my investigation, I had to water down my excitement when I saw a thirsty group of Co-Ed’s sipping on their Owalas. Cautiously, I approached the group and simply asked them, “Why Owala?” Their answers were eye-opening: 

Watt Erboi: “My mom got it for me, I think from Target?” 

Heidi RoFlasc: “My old water bottle was leaking.” 

Flo: “Who the fuck are you?” 

So you see, the love for Owalas is overflowing. Maybe from the ashes of the Stanley, the Yeti and the Nalgene, Owalas shall be the water bottle that stands the test of time. Will the love of their sleek design dry out? Or, maybe we should just accept that it is human nature to jump from fad to fad. I mean, wasn’t it the great Paris Hilton that said, “No, no, I didn’t go to England. I went to London,”? Perhaps we must accept that change is constant, but our willingness to grow is optional. I refuse to bottle up my emotions, so, today, I make the commitment to go with the flow and follow the new waves of reusable water bottles. At the end of the day, perhaps we can never really quench our thirst because we are just mere pawns of the never-ending system that is capitalism, and are forever subjected to the whims of the puppet master.