BREAKING: Sex Strike!
By Ruhi Slatel
On Tuesday, November 5th, 2024, the American public elected Donald Trump as the 47th President. But more importantly, on Wednesday, November 6th, 2024, the straight women of America banded together to strike. Strike from sex. A sex strike, if you will.
The Slant thought this sequence of events seemed quite suspicious, and investigated to find that women are “not putting out” to make a statement to their Trump-voting partners. When asked about her role in this nationwide movement—or lack thereof—Vice President Kamala Harris simply replied with a bad Santa impression: “Ha ha ha!”
Several women also report that this strike means more to them than just politics. An anonymous source revealed to The Slant that this is “payback for years of jackhammering” and that “it really is No Nut November.” The latest survey shows that the number of female orgasms, however, has skyrocketed. In other news, vibrator sales have also increased tenfold. But try as we might, The Slant has not found an explanation tying the two together. Local Tennessean Sélli Basee knows her husband voted for Harris, but is still on strike because “it’s kinda fun to have that power.” When asked by The Slant if she is a misandrist, Basee simply replied, “No, my last name is ‘Basee’ not ‘Andrist.’” Moreover, Melania Trump herself has issued a statement saying, “I will be on strike. No sex for Donald. I hate him so much I wish he would di-” followed by static. What a diva.
While it was well-intentioned, the participating women did not plan for an unforeseen consequence. Recent polls show that many sex-deprived men are now less likely to vote Democrat in the future and are rejecting the color blue as it reminds them of their tragic ‘down there’ situation. Men tried to respond by denying foreplay, but this was unsuccessful as the women said, “They never even did that anyway.” This strike was mostly championed by straight women, and in a statement to The Slant, lesbians said they remain unaffected and will not participate in said strike. However, the adoption of male cats has mysteriously decreased and experts theorize that, in their own way, lesbians are joining in too.
This unprecedented show of solidarity can only spell danger for America’s sociopolitical future. If only an ancient Greek playwright had written a long, vulgar play warning us that this might happen. It is a shame we live in a world where history is a stickler for plagiarism and never repeats itself.
