Dad Complains About Missing Solar Eclipse: Battle With Toilet!

By Connie Su and Bonnie Bu

PADUCHA, KY– Nashvillian father Harold Chew’s family cites April 8, 2024, as a date of great excitement for him. He and many other astronomically-interested citizens had been gearing up for travel to witness the highly anticipated solar eclipse. In the week prior to this day, his wife reported his rate of smiling when approached as marginally higher than usual. His children reported his consumption of highly-processed snacks after work as much lower than usual. That fiber, though… it’ll get to you. 

The family had driven across tolled freeways in hopes of finding the best view possible. They settled on a green hill where rows and rows of other spectators were stationed – oh, what sheep they are! Only twenty minutes before totality, Mr. Chew reported to his family that he wasn’t feeling too good. His tummy expelled a gurgle, and he subsequently cried, “I think the marginal decrease in my consumption of highly-processed snacks has increased the concentration of fiber in my intestine!” Adjacent spectators reported that Mr. Chew fled towards local facilities harboring restrooms.

After the spectacle came to an end, we asked Mr. Chew for comments on his experience. “Now that one was a clencher,” Mr. Chew cried out with frustration, “I was wiping, wiping, and wiping! It never ended – I was like the Hoover Dam and I needed to be taped shut.” 

Mr. Chew’s children expect to be subjected to a steadily increasing amount of household chores. “Dad’s kinda mad and I think he’s going to misplace his anger by asking us to do stupid things like move rocks around the yard.”