The Trader Joe’s Winter Exclusives That Didn’t Make the Cut
Ok, you filthy animals. I see you lining outside Trader Joe’s, feverishly trying to claw your way through the red, automatic doors like it’s the last Happy Honda Days sales event. Your favorite limited-time winter groceries are about to hit the shelves, but in between rabid gulps of peppermint non-dairy oat creamer, consider the festive exclusives that feel abandoned. Here are some of the shelved Trader Joe’s winter items that didn’t meet the criteria of the hip, suburban community of Green Hills.
- Small, chocolate giblets
To be honest, I really have no idea what these are. It’s definitely some kind of chocolate, but it’s too bitter to be called dark chocolate and whenever you take a bite of one, it makes a noise that sounds like “weeeeeee.” Amorphous, sublime, unique in all flavor profiles. You think you know what a giblet is, but nobody ever really does. Is it round? Maybe? Every pack of chocolate giblets is a mystery.
- Onion but it looks like Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas
Only a boomer would buy a GMO onion. Except if the onions are grown in a dimly-lit room playing The Nightmare Before Christmas on a 24-7 loop. This patented process inspires onions to form themselves in the shape of Oogie Boogie. Amuse yourself with carols of Halloween Christmas jingles prior to dismembering the onions in the name of your mediocre bolognese.
- “Live Gnomes with lemon pepper”
Yeah okay, it might seem morally apprehensive at first. Putting miniature gnomes in the frozen food aisle might violate a few ethical principles. But my god do they taste good with a bit of sriracha and cilantro lime sauce. I understand what Tolkien was thinking when he dropped his Middle-Earth Cookbook.
- “Gluten-free limericks”
If your stomach desires a snack
But bread products make the colon go wack
In aisle three you’ll see
A few packets of glee
The Gluten Free Limericks are back
- “Primordial Soup”
Trader Joe’s prides itself on the recognition of culture and tradition. You’ve witnessed aisles of the finest frozen cuisines from around the world. But now get ready for the original culture: bacterial culture. This microwavable soup features over 30 percent of your daily nutritional requirements, including amino acids, hydrogen, ammonia and methane! *Trader Joe’s is not responsible for the creation of any and all life forms*
- “Meatless Kebabs”
It’s literally just a stick. You will spend $5 on a damn skewer. And you’re gonna like it. *not for shoppers under the age of 15 and/or prone to violence. Joe assumes no responsibility for injury, grievous bodily harm or any other form of injustice caused by the meatless kebab*
- “Soylent Green”
It’s vegan, I promise. Don’t mind the labels or where the product comes from. Yeah, it tastes a bit chewy and yeah, you saw the 1973 thriller of the same name. But it has the word “soy” in it! It’s healthy!
- “Cashier’s Milk”
I’m not lactose intolerant, but I could live a happy life if I could only drink Cashier’s milk. Cashews are out. Cashiers are in. It’s tropical, it’s rustic and it just tastes right. I once watched a TJ cashier chug an entire gallon in front of me simply to prove a point. So I bought three. And he let me ring the bell like the silly goose I am.
