Goat Yoga: A Love Story

Visit the Billy Goat Gruff Foundation website for more information

It has now been three days, six hours and 53 minutes since the Vanderbilt University Office of Student Transitions and Community Engagement offered their Sophomore Salutations with goat yoga and free coffee. Within that time, I attended 17 sessions of goat yoga in the greater Nashville area. Out of desperation, I drove three hours and 15 minutes to Goat Yoga Bham. What else was I supposed to do after being banned from both Goat Yoga Nashville and Shenanigoats Inc.?

I should rewind. Bestiality is a broad term, and heavily stigmatized for its sexual component. I’m not a freak: that’s like comparing the FLDS to the greater Mormon Church. No, I’m purely emotionally attracted to the goats. The goats offer a sort of silent presence that humans are not capable of. The emotional maturity of a goat far surpasses anything a human is capable of. A single “BAAAAA” is a statement of pure acceptance and understanding. When I heard my first, it unclogged my chakra. 

It was actually Billy Goat Gruff that opened my eyes and my heart to goats when he turned to me and softly spoke: “BAAAAA.” My breath taken away, he swiftly leaped upon my back and delicately kneaded out the knots as I continued my downward dog pose. It was truly a Back in the Barnyard type of instant love we felt for one another. Naturally, I asked him out for coffee, and he delightfully accepted. But upon trying to leave with Billy, his owners* stopped us hand in hoof. They called me disturbed, insane, but they just didn’t understand what we had. I was shown my light just for it to be snuffed out by those who refused to accept it. It was only a few short minutes we shared at this Vanderbilt sponsored Sophomore Salutations event, but they were likely the most lived moments of my meager life. 

I wrote emails. I made calls. I even wrote a letter that is likely still in transit. I spent the entire next day in shambles before I was able to pull myself together, determined to find Billy. I found out that Goat Yoga Nashville, the same ruthless cooperation that Vanderbilt sponsored earlier in the day, had a group session with Billy just an hour later. After being in such a state, I knew I had to make myself presentable to Billy—he couldn’t see me like this. Realizing the most respectful attire I could wear, I broke into the Original Cast storage locker below Branscomb and dawned their trademarked, real goat skin goat costume. I hoped this attire would also obscure my identity to the workers, knowing that Billy would know the real me no matter what. However, upon trotting into the goat pen, the workers recognized me immediately. I was within arm’s reach of my sweet beloved, but security ripped me away. Writhing and screaming, I called out for Billy, but their oppressive strength was more than my love could overcome. They took my picture and officially banned me, throwing me to the curb. 

I was in a daze. I had no idea what to do or where to go. Do I seek legal action to fight for Billy’s rights? Today’s world would never truly understand us, much less support us. Do I try to keep pushing, break in and elope with him? Billy would never want me to risk my own liberty and freedom in the face of the law. It’s only been half a week and I’ve tried to fill the gap that Billy’s left in my life. I’ve gone, and been similarly banned, from every other goat yoga establishment in the greater Nashville area, but it’s all numb. They’re all nice and understanding, but none are Billy. I feel nothing without Billy. 

This is why I’ve started the Free Billy Goat Gruff Foundation. I’ve found many others who share similar hardships relating to their love for goats. Together, we are fighting in the name of Billy and all other goats who are oppressed under our current system. I implore you to visit our website and find out how to support the cause in your own way. 

To Billy and to Love.

*Although I am currently pursuing a class action lawsuit on behalf of the systemic abuse goats have endured in this industry, this current article will focus on my own lived experience.