Seven Signs You Might Be Staphylococcus aureus

By Christina Lopez

Finding your identity is never an easy process. We are constantly changing and morphing into new forms of ourselves with each passing day, but have you ever morphed into something that resembles a minuscule microbe less than 1.5 µm length? This article is to put all your questions about whether you may be Staphylococcus aureus to rest. 

Here are some of the warning signs to watch out for:

1. You are a fan of warm weather

Do you like to have fun in the sun? Or better yet, have the warm rays of sunlight ever given you the urge to replicate and spread your species into the surrounding area? If so, then you might need to consider that you are Staphylococcus aureus.

2. Your love language is physical touch

Let’s admit it, we’ve all taken the five love languages test at some point in our lives, and the results are always strikingly accurate. Do you enjoy the warm embrace of a loved one, or gentle hand-holding, or any touch for that matter? This might be a sign that your love language is physical touch, and it also may be a sign that you are a Staphylococcus aureus bacterium. Furthermore, whenever you receive this physical contact, do you latch on to the point of contact and rapidly begin to reproduce on the skin trying to find an entryway into the host’s respiratory tract? If yes, then gross, and this could possibly mean you are a Staphylococcus aureus.

3. All your genetic code is stored in a single chromosome

Have you ever taken a 23&Me test? Have your results ever come back conclusive? If yes, then good news! You are not Staphylococcus aureus. However, have your results ever come back saying: “Results inconclusive, not enough chromosomal DNA was evident to evaluate, please consult a healthcare provider”? If so, then uh oh, there might be a chance you didn’t have enough DNA in your system to render you human. If this is the case, then I have some bad news: there is a strong likelihood you might be, you guessed it, Staphylococcus aureus.

4. You don’t talk much

Hello, introverts! Have you ever tried speaking in front of others just to find out that you lack the biological anatomy to create sound because you do not contain vocal cords because you lack a central nervous system amongst the other nonexistent organs needed to communicate verbally? Welp, I think you already know what I am going to say…

5. Your favorite food is meat

Who doesn’t like a good turkey sandwich? Or even better, an extra rare three-day-old steak? Does being near meat cause you to fester and replicate inside the dead animal, infecting anything that touches or consumes it? Yes? That is soooo nasty dude, please seek medical and psychiatric attention immediately.

6. You reside in mammalian mucus membranes and then replicate through binary fission in the respiratory tract causing life-threatening pneumonia and sepsis

Where is your favorite place to be in your free time? Is it inside a nasal canal or bronchial tube? Talk about invasion of personal space! If you have ever found yourself stuck in a human lung, while proceeding to replicate inside leaving the host with a variety of diseases and loving it, then you could be Staphylococcus aureus.

And last but not least…

7. You look like this!

Are you still unsure of whether or not you are a Staphylococcus aureus bacterium? Compare yourself with this photo. Is there a resemblance? If the answer is no, then good news! You are not a bacterium. However, if this picture looks identical to your current state, then I have bad news: you are a Staphylococcus aureus organism. Hey, the news isn’t all that bad, there are plenty of ways for you to live a fulfilling life while being a pathogenetic microbe, but go find that information elsewhere. Seriously, get away from me.