Drinks, Dryers and Democracy: Here are 37 Ways Diermeier is Making Vandy Greener
Ever since he filled the pool in his fourth house’s backyard with crude oil because he “liked the way it feels on [his] tummy,” Chancellor Diermeier has been in deep shit regarding sustainability. Things got especially heated for the self-proclaimed German Germ when he refused to apologize for the incident. “Furries are acceptable in this God-forsaken world but oil play is where the world draws the line? So much for the tolerant left,” Diermeier said, according to me, who made it up. Regardless, it is not a hot take to say that Daddy D needs a big change in his policies if he wants to win back the Vandy community—and he did exactly that. Here are ~37 sustainability programs that Daniel’s administration will soon put into motion per his announcement last week.
- The Dining Hall Jungle Juice
Do you ever catch yourself thinking “I sure do wonder what happens to all the half-finished drinks that slide down the conveyor line?” God knows I do. All the time. Mmmmm… beverage. Well, Daddy Danny has announced that Vandy is done wasting all that liquid potential. Introducing the Dining Hall Jungle Juice! Every other day, the dining hall fountains will spray the amalgamation of the liquids left in glasses that thousands of tender college gullets slurped from the previous day. I’m getting riled up just thinking about it! Danielmeier has vowed that, with this policy, sustainability on campus will double, perhaps even triple. He also promised that the Jungle Juice might even have a lil’ sumin’ sumin’ in it if we are all good boys and girls.
“This makes my job way easier,” said Gate O’raighd, a sophomore bev-enjoyer. “Now I can just use the fountains instead of waiting around the trash chute all day.”
- The Featheringill Firing Squad
You heard me. The problem with this campus is all the darn people hollering about, increasing the campus’s carbon footprint every day. Sometimes, the right choice is the hard choice, and Chance(llor) the Rapper knows this. A squadron of navy seal snipers will be placed in front of Featheringill. The catch: they’ll kill anyone who isn’t wearing deodorant. Knowing engineers, Featheringill will become deserted in a day or two! Believe me, I’m a CS major. I haven’t showered in weeks. Make campus less smelly/nerdy and more sustainable simultaneously. Two birds with one bullet.
Also, word on the street is that you’ll be able to hire the squadron for personal reasons, such as killing that annoying chatty bastard in my philosophy class, who just won’t stop talking about his “ego death.” You took an edible that wouldn’t kill a fly, Jonathan, get over yourself. God, I hate him.
“I don’t get why we’re being killed if we’re the ones saving water by not showering,” cried Jenk Hem, a freshman mechanical engineer. At least that’s what I think he said; I couldn’t focus on the words due to how fucking stinky he smelled.
- The Sock & Shoe Smelling Service
You know how you gotta dry your clothes twice because the dryers are broken? This happens to me. Every. Damn. Week. Putting your clothes through multiple washer and dryer cycles is no doubt detrimental to the environment, being all unsustainable and shi’. Well, buckle your seat belts because D-Dawg has found a solution yet again: send all your socks and shoes to Morgan 208. The student living in 208, who has asked to remain anonymous, will take your socks and shoes and wash and dry them by hand and mouth—mostly hand, probably. Just send over your smelly, crusty socks and your dirty, slutty shoes to Morgan House Room 208 and I wi—I mean, the student will scrub that footwear real hard, with a sponge, of course. The campus doesn’t have sponges, though, which has been the case ever since the Bucket incident. Guess he’ll have to resort to other methods!
As the tangy smell of feet slowly emanates from the socks and shoes, the student will put my—their nose on them and inhale for a while, to check if the socks and shoes are indeed not clean. If they aren’t, rinse and repeat until the smell is no longer delicious. Once the smell is not delicious, cry for a little bit because of the lack of smell, and then the tears will clean the footwear even more. This is financially profitable for the university too; sources tell me the student is paying the university to oversee the service. Just send your socks and shoes (even slippers will do) to Morgan 208 right now and never have to worry about broken washers again! Please 🙂
The anonymous student in Morgan 208 refused to comment at this time.
- Renewable Energy
Windmills. Everywhere you turn. In the hallway, in the classroom. You will see them in the corner of your eye. They will always be there. Running is pointless. Welcome your new overlords with peace, or you’ll find out how windmills really generate energy. Pledge your life to them and move on with your day. With total submission, you will realize your overlords are benevolent after all. Once you get the girls of your dreams, or you become richer than you’d ever imagined, or you show up to Rothschild and there’s no line, you’ll sense the presence of the All-Knowing One behind you. All will be well if you don’t think about it too much.
“Personally I’m excited to join the windmill religion, because I’ve been a Christian all my life, and not once has a girl looked at me,” said Bee Leighver, a junior who apparently gets zero bitches.
- Invading Iraq
Chancellor Daniel Diermeier (born July 16, 1965), probably with his most ambitious project yet, is teaming up with ExxonMobil and the American government to invade Iraq to make the country more sustainable by taking their oil. The country is also in dire need of some democracy apparently, or so I’m told. It’s pretty straightforward: if the country has no oil left, they have to resort to renewable energy, right? Maybe windmills, perhaps… One might ask, “How is this making the Vanderbilt campus more sustainable?” And to that I say: you self-centered bitch. Everything just has to be about you, doesn’t it? The American government is being benevolent as usual and The Diermaestro is finally listening to student feedback and here you are complaining again.
“Caw caw, motherfuckers,” screamed the bald eagle that was seen near campus after the announcement. When asked why he said caw caw even though he isn’t a crow, he quickly flew away.
And there you have it: all 37 sustainability programs D2 has vowed to implement in the near future. I sure feel a little bit better knowing that our ‘Cellor is finally holding himself accountable and making moves to create a more sustainable campus. Maybe it’s from all the shoes I just smelled, but I sure feel sustained now, do you?
