Increase in Popularity of Date Parties Wreaks Havoc on Vanderbilt’s Most Prejudiced Group: Incels

By: Danielle Bernstein

It’s that time of year again. With all the new pledges eagerly excited to swallow live goldfish and sacrifice their first-born son to their new brothers, date parties are back and better than ever, baby. 

And with all the hullabaloo of who’s bringing who and who’s wearing what, an often ignored subgroup is going through the worst of it. No one seems to care that so many incel men on this campus cannot find dates. Yes, it’s true. It may come as a shock, but the mouth-breathing, women-blaming, mommy issue-having men cannot find dates! 

I know what you’re thinking. “But they’ve already had the worst of it!” And you would be right. These men are indeed involuntarily celibate because of how horrible women are. They have struggled for decades at the hands of these she-devils. Women just don’t seem interested in misanthropic, self-entitled, misogynistic men anymore. Just another classic example of how the 19th Amendment continues to ruin society. And by society, I of course mean the lives of these aforementioned innocent, heterosexual men. 

To shed light on this injustice, I spoke to a self-identifying incel about his lack of a date at his fraternity’s most recent shindig. “I tried to ask out this girl, promising her the night of her life. A bunch of frat bros and then a trip back to my dorm where we would, you know, get it on as Weezer played and my roommate watched.” He continued, “but for whatever reason, she said no! She ‘claimed’ it was because I called her a bitch and had previously broken into her dorm to watch her sleep. We give women 83 cents to our every dollar and look at what happens!” 

For whatever reason, it appears that women would prefer to go to date parties with men who know their first names, don’t call their mothers “that whore from Ohio,” and don’t frequent dark Reddit forums. They are getting much too picky. 

Below I have attached a google form to cancel all date parties on campus. From the advent of birth control pills to women being allowed in the workforce, these men have gone through too much. I just hope they can ignore the fact that I am a woman as we take down the matriarchy together. 

Google form: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd8-7OepZYFcT9GV8_kDjQNyVjIUGbSqufe_4WFKxzB1QjVSQ/viewform?usp=sf_link