MAIN CHARACTERS, THIS IS YOUR SIGN: Finish the Semester With All Eyes on You!

By Cameron Peloso

Like any healthy adult, I spent most of my childhood years watching TV shows that were way too mature for me. “Gossip Girl,” “90210,” “Degrassi:” the classics. I haven’t just convinced myself I’m the main character, I know I am. And as the main character, it is my humble right to live my teenage years to their fullest. House parties with Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” blaring on the sound system and Svedka-induced gastric ulcers burning my stomach lining. By the end of the night, I might throw up on my partner for Gen Bio lab, but who cares? That’s all just part of the fun.

Unfortunately, the modern day party scene has been totally wrecked by this stupid Covid thing. Swear to God, nothing I’ve encountered on Broadway has made me sick, but the second dose of that god-awful vaccine took me out for an entire week. How is a girl supposed to have any wild days to talk about with her friends 20 years from now if she’s busy vomiting from an injection? I need to know that I’m special, and this is NOT what Stephenie Meyer had in mind for me. I mean, it’s truly starting to affect my personal life, you know? I’m the main character, god damnit, and my life is a movie. I’m already almost done with my freshman year of college, and my boobs just aren’t going to be perky for that much longer.

I crave that chemical. I need a thrill back in my life. And what better place to start than the home turf: an Airbnb party. God, there’s so much I’ve missed. The sensation of getting hit on by the Uber driver on the way there but having pregamed just hard enough that you can’t verbally tell him off. Being just a little nervous that you’re going to break a $3000 vase while playing flip cup. Hooking up with someone, only to wake up and realize they were way cuter when you were crossed. This is what being a teenager is about!

To all my fellow main characters, this is my call to you. I propose a revolution. A reclamation, if you will. Who are we, the protagonists, to be trapped in dorm rooms all day? That’s not life. Life is smoking on the playground at midnight or jumping off a cliff into the water in your underwear. It’s making out, sloppy and slobbery and disgusting, with a crush in the middle of the road. For as the leader of romatication, the great Mitski, once said, “I’m just asking for a kiss / Give me one good movie kiss / And I’ll be alright.” Live out your “Euphoria” fantasy. Snort a line of coke and take a mirror selfie in a stranger’s bathroom. Skip your second dose and take a second shot, party animals! As the Covid-19 generation, it’s our solemn duty to give the teen-angst shows 50 years from now some rebels to write about.