If God Didn’t Want Me To Use Plastic, Then Why Did He Invent It?

For the record, I love the environment. In fact, I love the environment so much that I can’t stop dreaming about making sweet, sweet love to Mother Nature and creating a monsoon in her leafy lady bits. Until then, I’m just jizzing on Alumni Lawn, hoping she gets the message. 

However, what I don’t love is being dehydrated as fuck. I know Cornelius Vanderbilt bends over for anyone who uses the phrase “green initiative,” but I’m tired of this anti-plastic campaign. Reusable water bottles are just not reusable. Source? Me. I’m on my 7th one because these shits keep breaking. Or I keep losing them. If I can’t find my HydroFlask, how the hell am I supposed to reuse it?

I keep waiting for God to piss in my mouth, but unfortunately the forecast is sunny, and I’m an atheist. My pee is fluorescent yellow, it’s disgusting, and I’m tired of it. Sell me Aquafina, Poland Spring, Dasani, I don’t care. I’m a thirsty little bitch who will drop a hefty coin for a damn bottle of water.