Kamala Harris
She’s a woman, Jamaican, and Indian, ‘nuff said. If you read that as a good thing, congratulations, you’re woke, but also, Dems may need to reign in identity politics if we want to win elections.
She’s a cop. But not a fun one, like Ice-T in SVU. She’s more like the judge who, off-screen, locks up the guy Ice-T caught earlier in the episode. Going off script, she increases the sentence for some free prison labor.
Cory Booker
The most interesting thing about Cory Booker is that he’s a vegan. And being vegan should be, at best, the fourth most interesting thing about a person.
If voting for Obama made you feel good about yourself, this is your guy.
Bernie
He’s 77, but that’s the new 53. At least, that’s what my friend with an insanely old dad always says.
A kind man, Bernie is very non-threatening (unless you own private property, in which case, clutch your pearls and ready yourself for the guillotine).
Beto
He hasn’t dabbed on Ellen (yet).
Nate Silver says Beto is highly underrated. But Nate’s a nerd who’s probably just trying to impress a hunk like Beto.
Got a DUI, but back when DUIs were cool.
Howard Schultz
My life was better three weeks ago when I didn’t know who Howard Schultz was. Also, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, Starbucks is a lame company in every way.
Amy Klobuchar
Has Big Mom Energy (not a compliment).
Her strength lies in her reputation as a “matter-of-fact centrist.” If that approach does something for you, message me and I’ll send you some readings.
Elizabeth Warren
She’s 69 nine years old (nice).
With midwest roots and an east coast education, she’s just like that New Trier fucker who got into Harvard and started acting all “save the world.”
Joe Biden
Joe Biden is extremely creepy. Seriously. It’s very weird and confusing.
No jokes here, just a public service announcement: Youtube “Joe Biden Creepy.”
Hillary Clinton
Okay, so she’s not running. Apologies for scaring anyone with moral conviction.
If you got excited thinking she was running, I hope you’re enjoying your white privilege.
Andrew Yang
Wants to give you $1,000 a month, but you have to spend it at his fish and chips franchise.
Pete Buttigieg
Graduated magna cum laude from Harvard (read: fucking nerd).
