New Study Finds Employees Tired of Wiping Their Asses with Sandpaper

Google has paved the way in employee perks, prioritizing fun work environments that help employees succeed, complete with free food, cooking classes, nap pods, and laundry service. Companies like Yahoo, Buzzfeed, and Deloitte have quickly followed suit, whether that means offering free coffee, paid maternity and paternity leave, or just spaces where employees can decompress during the day. One striking study, however, has found that employees aren’t getting what they value most: soft toilet paper. The study, “Employee Butthole Wellness in the Workplace,” found that 97% of employees agree that their company “buys cheap toilet paper.”

In a statement, the spokesperson for the Federation of Employees for Charmin Extra Soft (FECES) stated, “we’ve seen our membership grow significantly over the past ten years. It seems that even tech companies with great employee perks like in-office ping pong tables aren’t catering to the wellness needs of their employees’ buttholes.” When asked to expand upon their survey answer, one respondent claimed, “honestly, I could live without free coffee. I just don’t get how the company spends so much money giving us all coffee but can only afford Scott Brand Toilet Paper. I get cutting overhead costs, but come on, it’s like wiping your ass with tinfoil.” Said another survey respondent, “It’s not like we’re asking for Wet Wipes. I’m just tired of wiping my ass with a cheese grater every day.”

A member of FECES spoke to The Slant under the condition of anonymity, saying, “My employer offers great benefits – I get 5 weeks of paid time off every year, which is nuts! But the one thing I can’t get over is how awful the toilet paper is. I’m tired of my ass bleeding from the sandpaper they buy for us.”

The study also brings to light something many seem too embarrassed to advocate for in public: the health and wellness needs of our buttholes. It seems, however, that this may be changing. FECES has reported that almost 48% of its members have successfully negotiated terms with their employers that lower their salaries if the office switches to 2-ply.

FECES membership information can be found at the link here.