10 Other Pretty Super Bowls


Yesterday was this year’s Season Finale of the NFL, but honestly, there are so many other bowls that deserve recognition. Here’s 10 of them:

  1. Justin Bieber’s 2010 Bowl Cut.  Remember when you went up to Chad in 6th grade and told his pimple-free skin that he looked like The Biebs? Because I SURE DO. Man, without that comment, his self confidence would’ve been dangerously high. Thankfully, though, you did tell him that, and it caused him horrible insecurity about his appearance for years. HAHA! So funny, good work.
  2. Vandy Women’s Bowling Team. They’re freaking national champions.
  3. Salad Bowls. God smiled when she invented these. Bowls to let your leaves spin their excess water out? Absurdly amazing. Fuck wet lettuce.
  4. The Bolshevik Revolution. Those little guys knew what they wanted, and they went for it! We stan some ambitious idealogues.
  5. Rand Bowls. If you get freekeh, delete my phone number. If you don’t have my phone number, consider just never calling your mother again; you’re a disappointment to her and you know it. She never wanted a son like you. Maybe order quinoa next time.
  6. Dog Bowls. Without these unsung heroes, the doggos of the world would be much thirstier, perhaps for human blood, and then where would we be? Likely ravaged, with skin barely hanging on to bone, frantically woofing and barking in a pathetic attempt to beg for mercy. Sparky isn’t so cute now, is he?
  7. Acai Bowls. Is it a berry? Is it secretly ambrosia, the nectar of the gods? All I know is that it makes my tummy-tum scream yummy-yum!
  8. Toilet Bowls. Without these thirsty little fucks and their constant desire to consume our excrement, we’d still be flush with cholera.
  9. The Dust Bowl. If you have low self respect, little to no money, and love seeing some spinny winds full of dirt, there is absolutely no better place to live than the Dust Bowl.
  10. Bol Bol. I learned about this incredible young athlete while researching this piece. This dude is craaaaazy good at sports — he usually helps his team score more sports points than the other team. Wild.
  • February 4, 2019