Report: Girl on Phone Waiting to Start Work Any Day Now

According to anxious watchers, freshman Jane Smith has been typing away on her phone in Sutherland House’s fifth floor common room for six hours and counting.

When asked about how long she thought the phone break would last, she replied that she “probably wouldn’t take that long.”

“Yeah, all I need to do is start working on my paper that’s due tomorrow –don’t worry though, that’s at midnight — finish all of my Econ readings because the first exam is in two days, and start creating my poli-sci presentation that I have in ten hours,” she said. “I’m just waiting for enough time to pass for me to realize that it isn’t humanly possible to do all of this within the time I have left. Then I’ll panic, get coffee from Munchie Mart, and kick into maximum overdrive until I unintentionally fall asleep on top of my laptop at 4 a.m.”

Smith’s behavior hasn’t gone unnoticed among her friends.

“Whenever I go into the common room to take the elevator down, she’ll strike up a conversation with me,” Smith’s floormate Emily Miller said. “She always tells me how much stuff she has to do and how little sleep she’s been getting instead of actually working. Poor thing! I’m thinking of gathering everyone on our floor to do her homework as a floor bonding exercise.”

The Slant spoke to several other floor-mates who all agreed that perhaps Smith was working herself too hard and that she should probably get an emotional support dog to manage the stress of procrastinating so much.

Smith said she wholeheartedly agreed.

“For now, though, I’m allowing myself a quick refresher on my phone. It’s to reward myself for getting out all of my homework and going to the table in the common room,” Smith said, moving to the Instagram Explore page. “I mean, I knew about all of this stuff that’s due since the beginning of the semester, but I was just so busy. I don’t know where all of my time goes.”