Zeppos Calls Blakemore “Vanderbilt’s Puerto Rico”

NASHVILLE, TN — Vanderbilt students were surprised to learn that Blakemore Hall still existed upon hearing news that it burnt down Friday night.

Residents of 2878 Vanderbilt Place found out that their dormitory smoke alarms didn’t work as billowing smoke wafted under the large gaps beneath their doors that usually only ushered in cool breezes. Rushing into the hallways, all 142 Blakemore residents were shocked to see their once forgotten residential hall was not only forgotten, but also the result of a vape party gone wrong.

When Blakemore resident Allen Whitinger called FireVU to report the blaze, he allegedly heard the operators whispering in the background: “Blakemore? More like Blakeless now, am I right?” and “Where’s that at? Isn’t that the new Belmont dorm?”

The operator finally told him to not worry, that the Fire Department would “get there eventually.” Upon arriving at the scene two hours later, Fire Chief Frank described that “it was worse than I ever imagined. The state of ruin and overwhelming destruction, it was so horrible. In my 30+ years of fighting fires I’ve never seen people living in such horrendous conditions, and to think that now it’s been burnt down.”

SafeVU bus driver Daryl Bustrip said that he “wasn’t surprised. Frankly, I saw those kids running out of the burning shack, pleading for me to come over and provide shelter from the grueling elements. Unfortunately, Blakemore isn’t even a route stop so I couldn’t go help.”

Chancellor Zeppos hurried to the scene to survey the damage. “This is a tragedy. The loss this University feels cannot be overstated. But!” he exclaimed, pointing a finger towards the sky, “We will move forward with Commodore pride! Vanderbilt is not a university defined by its losses, but by the bonds we share and this tragedy will only strengthen those bonds.

“When I look at the rubble caused by an ill act of god, I am reminded of our great lineage of alumni who have endured trials as well and I know that we will survive. We will eventually grow past this tragedy and be a stronger community because of it. Parking Lot 72B will never be forgotten, but it will be moved past on the road to greater things.”

Of the loss of Blakemore House that originated the fire that also damaged Parking Lot 72B, Zeppos said “Bakedmore is, frankly, Vanderbilt’s Puerto Rico. Technically, I suppose, it is a part of the Vanderbilt campus, but most people forget about it. And, when disaster falls upon it, who cares? Blakeless is so far away that I bet this is the first time in decades most students have thought about it. I know it is for me, and I’m the Chancellor of this University.”.

Zeppos finished his speech to the staff who normally park in Lot 72B and the Bleghmore residents, by announcing a new University policy to focus attention on the more neglected parking lots at the fringe of the University’s land.