Starbucks Releases New “Wokeccino” Menu

The Slant has obtained exclusive access to a Starbucks press release promoting their new menu.

Internal memo: Starbucks releases new “Wokeccino” menu

This morning in stores all across the country, we released the Wokeccino – the perfect drink for when you need to wake up in the morning and also be able to talk appropriately with your black coworkers. This is just the first of many additions to our new Wokeccino menu.

In response to the controversy started by the events in one of our Philadelphia locations, we have decided to revamp our beverage menu to more adequately reflect our values of diversity and inclusion. As CEO Kevin Johnson commented, “we are disheartened by the regrettable and unenlightened actions by this lone wolf employee.” Thus, we have made it a mission to fight systemic inequalities by reshaping our menu to demonstrate our acceptance and love for the African American community.

In fact, here at Starbucks, we have over 4,000 African American employees nationwide. We reached out to all our black employees and asked them for input in structuring our new menu. When they said it was a “bad idea”, we turned to our land-owning white employees, and they gave us a good vote of confidence.

Our menu includes several new items that will show our company’s support for the “culture”. We are going to be serving only Black (Lives Matter) Coffee, including our new Cornel West African Blend. Our new line of coffee fits in perfectly with the motto for our campaign: Combating racial inequality by any beans necessary.

There are a plethora of new drink and flavor options on the new menu, each with a name striving to awaken consciousness about racial inequality in this country. For a limited time only, any drink on the Wokeccino menu comes with a free Malcom Xtra shot of espresso and a single packet of brown sugar. Instead of asking for “flavor shots,” customers will be asked to request Flavor Flavs of whatever flavor they want, except vanilla, of course. We’ve even added two new cup sizes: Martin Luther King size (a hybrid between grande and venti) and a Martin Luther King Junior size, for kids.

As an extra special promotional item, we will sell 50 Cent coffee every Friday featuring the highly renowned Kanye West African blend, for only–get this– 50 cents. We want the African American community to know that, not only do we love their business at Starbucks, but we also appreciate their deep cultural history often represented in their music.

We are confident that the changes we’ve implemented demonstrate our devotion to fostering a safe, warm, and inclusive home for all of our customers and employees. Try our new Wokeccino menu today!