Second Semester Horoscopes

Welcome, children of the universe! We’ve done some careful observation of the stars and determined the forecast for your spring semester.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Uranus is moving from Aries into Taurus, which means a time of great changes is approaching. Definitely buy more underwear.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

Neptune, your planet, remains in Pisces – materialistic desires might tempt you, but your dreams will be your main focus. What does that dream about Putin and Steve Bannon giving each other sponge baths mean, anyway?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Mercury is in Aries in retrograde from the end of March through mid-April. Look in the mirror – there’s always room for improvement, and your pants don’t have any more room for Rand cookies. Fix that.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Venus is moving towards Pluto in Capricorn, which means now is a good time for big changes. Drop out of school, buy a bunch of turtlenecks and become Steve Jobs! You can do this!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Venus is moving into Cancer, Stage 4. You only have a few months left to live. Good luck.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

This year is full of possibilities for you, Cancer. You’ll keep draining those white blood cell counts and you’ll probably ruin some lives. Be wary, however, as Jupiter is retrograde in Scorpio starting in March, which means science may just catch up to you.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You’re gonna win another Oscar this year!

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Mercury is going to be retrograde in Aries in April, so finals may be a shitshow but afterwards you’ll feel empowered and refreshed!

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Oh god, are people still reading this? I dunno Libra, 2018 is going to be fine for you. Just do you.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Here are some words about the stars. Retrograde. Water signs. Alignment.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

The year started off with Jupiter and Mars together in Scorpio, meaning high energy for you, Sagittarius. That means there should be no need for all those naps you keep taking in Stevenson. Pull it together.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Your planet Saturn is at home in Capricorn, empowering you to begin 2018. Use this newfound confidence to walk around naked more often, never mind how hairy you are!