Op-Ed: Dude! I Think My Girlfriend Totally Wants to Fuck Me

Okay, dude, so get this. I met this chick a little while back. Total smoke show. She’s absolutely insane. AND she’s the recipient of my unconditional love and devotion. But oh my GOD…you can just tell…

She totally wants to fuck me.

So we met at this party. A birthday party. MY third grade birthday party. And she just comes up to me and is like “Hey,” and I’m all like “Hey.” Before you know it, we’re back at my place… playing with legos and becoming childhood best friends. Dude, but here’s where it gets CRAZY!! Our relationship matures out-the-fucking-wazoo over the next several years to the point where we share our first kiss together on top of the local sledding hill, and eventually start dating in high school. I mean the signs are there, amiright??

So at this point we’d been dating for almost two years. And it’d been pretty hot and heavy. We met each other’s families, told each other we loved each other, agreed to attend the same college so we could enter the next stage of our lives together hand-in-hand, yadah yadah yadah. But then she hits me with this: “Michael, you know how much I love you, and I know how much you love me. There is no one in this world I trust and love more, and I think I’m ready to express my love in a different way.” And I’m like, dude…

I think my girlfriend totally wants to fuck me.

So flash forward a little bit. I come home to our shared apartment in Chicago. I wipe my shoes on the “Home is Where the Heart Is” doormat that we bought together from Uncommon Goods, and she just runs right up to me and puts her arms around me. She hits me with the “How was your business trip, sweetie?” And I’m thinking to myself like “Ummmm, okay, so this seems to be getting interesting.” Then she grabs my hand, and OH MY GOD dude I swear this doesn’t always happen to me, but she’s like, “Since you and I have both been working so hard, I splurged and booked us the honeymoon suite at a tiny bed and breakfast up north. It’ll be just the two of us. Oh, Michael, it’ll be so incredibly romantic.” Almost immediately, I’m like sweating. Because here’s this woman who knows me better than anybody else suggesting the perfect get away weekend to rejuvenate both our mental health and our relationship, and she’s basically just screaming in my ear that DUDE…

She totally wants to fuck me.

Okay, so now we’ve been together about eight years. And this chick and I have been having these long discussions about how our bond is so strong, but that it might be time to shake things up a bit–if you know what I mean. I suggest that we add a third person to the mix, thinking that there’s no way in hell that she’d go for it, but then she agreed. So immediately I’m thinking “Ummmmm yes!!!” I’ll be honest, dude. Deep down I was a little nervous. I mean, you always hear of guys bringing a third person into their home, but I didn’t think it’d happen to me. I mean, I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to do! But my girlfriend and I, we talk about it a lot over the next few days, and finally decide that more than anything else, we want to bring another life into this world. Right?! So then she comes to me and tells me that she’s ovulating. At that point, you just can’t ignore the signs anymore. It’s too obvious…

My girlfriend totally wants to fuck me.