Slanted Review: That Thing That You Think is Good Isn’t

Sorry to be the one to let you know, but it’s true.

I had high hopes for this thing going in, given the sheer volume of people like you saying that this one was, without a doubt, the best one since that other one. Even though I had felt a bit lukewarm towards that one, I really dug the one before that, so I was excited to see how this one had turned out. And after all, how wrong could you possibly be? Very wrong, as I found out.

Why do people love this? No part of this moved me in any way at all. This thing does absolutely nothing for me. Honestly, I’m just baffled by every decision that went into its creation. Why would anyone choose to make this the way they did? Truly, I am a victim of the hype machine. You and everyone else overrated this thing to kingdom come, making me expect a thing of high quality. Undoubtedly, this was not that. I don’t think I’ve ever been more dissatisfied in my life.

I just really wish everyone would check out that other new thing that came out recently. It’s superior in nearly every aspect to the thing that you like. There are some experiences from which you come away altered forever, where nothing can go back to the way it was before. I went through such a change with this other thing, easily one of the best to come into existence in the past few years. Ideas and emotions so fresh and compelling are rarely found in things, which makes this thing all the more remarkable. Simply put, this thing is good, and that thing that you like isn’t, which makes me all the more frustrated that no one is giving this thing its deserved attention. If people keep on only supporting things like that thing that you like, the only things that will come out are things like that thing that you like. This would certainly be bad.  

Please, don’t take this review personally. I have nothing against you, just your abysmally horrid taste in all things. There’s a difference, you know.