Op-Ed: I Am The Last Person On Earth Who Is Still Sad About Anna Nicole Smith’s Death

Every morning, I am forced to wake up and see that my calendar has been staring at me all night long. And every morning, I sigh and roll out of bed to draw another red ‘X’ to mark the date on the calendar. This will be the 3,385th ‘X’ that I have drawn on my calendar. No, I’m not waiting to get out of prison. And no, I’m not counting down the days for a menstrual cycle that will never come. I am going through something far worse than any of those things. 

I am still mourning the death of Anna Nicole Smith. 

Anna Nicole Smith died 3,385 days ago, and my life has been in shambles ever since. I never knew Anna Nicole Smith, but the undeniable truth is that my life was better when she was alive. At the end of Anna Nicole Smith’s life, in 2007, I was a happy, bright eyed twelve year-old. I could play all day, I had a family who took care of me, and the world was my oyster. But that was when Anna Nicole Smith was alive. Since then, my life has amounted to absolute shit. I have no wife. I have no children. I have no job. I look at myself in the mirror, and I hate what I see. I spit at my own reflection.

When I drag myself into the outside world, I only see losers. People are laughing. Some go on walks with their families. Others breathe in the fresh air and give thanks for a new day. They are all idiots. Are none of them upset over the fact that Anna Nicole Smith is still dead? I ask this question of everyone I see. I have even contacted some of Anna Nicole Smith’s relatives, and from these encounters, I am forced to recognize the truth: no one is still really broken up over the fact that Anna Nicole Smith is dead—except for me.

Sometimes I sleepwalk. Last week, I woke to find that I had subconsciously brought two watermelons out of the kitchen and into my bed to caress. I dreamt that the watermelons were Anna Nicole Smith’s famed “melon-sized” breasts, and for once, I was happy. Waking up is always the hardest part. Oh God! Anna Nicole Smith! For you, I lie in wait! I long for the day that you will return to this world, or that I shall enter yours! Only then will I be able to immerse myself in the light of life that shines in your presence! Trim-Spa, Baby.