Nation Faces Chair Shortage

“There just aren’t enough chairs to go around,” experts reported Tuesday. “Every day, thousands of people try to sit down only to find that there aren’t enough chairs left for them.”

Edmund Newton, political analyst at Stony Brook, said ,“This is a crisis the likes of which our nation has never seen before. Not even those who have previously found themselves comfortably chaired are safe from the effects of the shortage.”

Said one affected citizen, “I’ll never forget the day I first realized there wasn’t a chair left for me to sit on. The light went out of my life. It was as if the music had stopped, and society just kicked me out. I lost everything.”

Joel Malone, of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, was one of the first affected. “As soon as the shortage was announced, everyone was scrambling to grab a chair before they were all gone,” Malone said. “I just wasn’t fast enough.”

“This crisis will continue,” Ana Gutierrez, an economist at Princeton, predicted, “As the country leeches chairs while we dance around in a panic, until there’s only one chair left for the last two people to fight over.” Gutierrez proposed, “We should all sit on the ground quietly until one person gets the last chair. Maybe it would help if we clap with the beat.”

Several conspiracy theories have surfaced to explain how and why this chair drought is happening. “Every time you sit down, another chair gets taken away,” said Clarence Stanton, one such theorist. “It’s as if the government is trying to weed out all of the people like me who are wise to their tricks,” Clarence continued, donning a helmet made of aluminum foil, “But they can’t fool me. I have a lifetime supply of chairs in my blast shelter.”