Jesus Rejected From BYX

According to recent reports, Jesus has decided to go Greek after being admitted Early Decision to Vanderbilt University. 

Throughout the rush process, Jesus has revealed himself to be quite “fratty.” According to one frat star, “Jesus is quite the talented individual.” Several freshmen attest to his ability to “turn water into Natty Light.” One particularly impressed brother said Jesus “made a flex meal feed a whole group of brothers. It was amazing what he did – it was kinda like a miracle.” Additionally, according to one recruitment chair, Jesus “can walk through every frat house without getting his Birkenstocks dirty, and he never wears cargo shorts. These are the kind of qualities we look for in a rush.” According to another rush email, “Jesus = insta-bid.” 

However, there was one fraternity that cut him right away. The rush chair for Beta Upsilon Chi, the Christian fraternity, said that “they were unable to offer Jesus a bid because he’s a Jew.” After speaking to Jesus, though, one gets the impression that there was a deeper reason they wouldn’t allow him to join. Jesus issued the following statement after he was rejected from BYX: 

“Man, BYX was my top choice. I really wanted to lead them one day. They told me I couldn’t join because I was a Jew, but I really think it’s because I’m more open-minded than a lot of them. They don’t let people drink, and they don’t let gay people hold leadership positions, but I really don’t care about either of those things. I love everyone, which is why I think they ultimately decided I wasn’t a good fit for the fraternity.”  

Thankfully, Jesus was able to find a home at AEPi, but he did say their hazing methods were “extremely crucifying.”