By Rachel Haselkorn
Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, and if you are single you’re probably already painfully aware of this fact. While you may have already given up on the prospect of finding a date in time for this cursèd holiday, I am here to bring you hope. As supported by my uninterrupted nineteen-year streak of being single, I am a master of seduction. I will now take you through the ABC’s of what to do and what not to do during your Valentine’s date, to ensure that you and your Valentine have the most magical night of your lives.
- Do not abduct your valentine. The date should be a mutually agreed upon activity, and it should not be necessary to kidnap the person to get them there. If at any point you get confused about this topic, just remember the acronym D.N.A.: Do Not Abduct.
B: Breadsticks in Your Purse
- Absolutely do steal the restaurant’s breadsticks by hiding them in your purse. Doing this conveys your resourcefulness, the resources in this instance being breadsticks, which will make you appear more desirable.
C: Courtship Dance
- A courtship dance is not only welcome, but is often expected on a first date. This can be an improv dance or you can prepare and rehearse it for months prior. Just make sure it’s creative and make sure you do it in a very public setting.
D: Dream Journal
- You should absolutely read the contents of your dream journal on your first date. Telling your date about your dream where you went through a messy divorce with Shrek after discovering that he was pregnant with Jake Paul’s baby and gauging their reaction will allow you to see if they’re a good match for you.
E: Eat With Your Hands
- Are you kidding me with this one? Use utensils like a human being you fucking idiot. No one wants to see their date shove a big-ass handful of spaghetti into their mouth. This should be a no-brainer.
F: Frog-Related Activities
- This one can go either way. Unless you establish a mutual interest in frogs beforehand, your first date should not include any frog-related activities, such as exploring local swamps or bogs. However, if you and your valentine are both frog enthusiasts, by all means put on your hottest galoshes and head to the most romantic swamp you can find.
G: Gastroesophageal Sphincter
- Don’t bring up this topic at all, for any reason. It is not a sexy topic, so for this occasion, no matter how compelled you are to do so, you should absolutely refrain from talking about your, or anyone else’s, gastroesophageal sphincter.
H: Hard Drugs
- Try your best not to do any hard drugs before or during your date. You don’t wanna be that guy who smokes an ass-ton of crack before the date, only to trip out, hallucinate and think you’ve turned into a tiger, and leap out the window.
I: Inappropriate Sounds
- This is especially important if you’re in public: make as many inappropriate sounds as you can during your date. This includes, yelling, grunting, honking, howling, hissing, and anything of the like. This will allow you to assert your dominance over the people around you and will convey confidence which will make you more desirable to your date.
J: Jiu Jitsu
- Absolutely do not perform jiu jitsu on your Valentine, even playfully. If your date attacks you and it is a self-defense situation, then you can do a little jiu jitsu as a treat. But otherwise, there is simply no place for jiu jitsu in this setting.
- If you are a musical person and you want to serenade your date, a kazoo is absolutely the best option. It completely outshines all of the other more boring instruments, like the tuba, harp, maracas, etcetera. Literally anything else will pale in comparison to the kazoo.
L: Lemur at the table
- Lemur at the dinner table? On god, let that man eat. But not on the first date. You should wait until you have a more established relationship before you introduce them to your lemur.
- Are you insane? Do you want your date to think you’re an actual psychopath? Because if you order milk then they will 100% think that and they will 100% be right. Don’t do it.
N: Newt Release
- I understand that it can be very tempting to bring a sack of newts and release them during your date. This is a predicament we’ve all faced. Some might think that this is unbecoming for the first date, but I would disagree. Do it. Set them free. If your date reacts negatively, then they’re probably racist and weren’t worth your time anyway.
O: Oxen riding
- This is a terrible first date activity. If you insist on choosing something weird to do together, just go horseback riding like a normal person. Why would you even think to get oxen involved in your date? Where would you even get them?
- Don’t try to do it, it won’t work. Just eat normal food. By claiming that you can photosynthesize, you will do nothing but embarrass yourself. Focus on skills that you are actually capable of performing, like a tasteful crab-walk.
- Please refer to letter F. Bogs, swamps, quagmires, or marshes of any kind are usually unsuitable locations to take your valentine.
- I don’t care what role raisins play in your life. I don’t care if your entire livelihood is centered around growing and harvesting raisins. Studies show that there is no quicker way to infuriate someone, so do not bring up the topic of raisins no matter what.
- Do not try to convince your date to buy your premium snapchat. They are already on a date with you. They’re not gonna do that. Porn exists for a reason and costs zero dollars. You need to find a more wholesome hobby.
- Try asking your date to join a terrorist organization with you. Pick your favorite one and just see what they say. This is a good way to see if your date is a true ride or die, or if they’re not really fully invested in your relationship. Hint: if they’re unwilling to do it, then you deserve better!
- Avoid inviting your uncle to the date. This is weird as fuck, no matter the circumstance. I don’t even know what would possess you to do this in the first place. Just don’t.
- An unexpected location that makes for a perfect first date would be the rim of an active volcano. Selecting this location for a first date shows your valentine that you’re adventurous, dangerous, and not afraid of a challenge. Sparks will literally be flying!
- Try not to claim that you are a witch or a warlock. If you slip up and do so accidentally, try not to engage in any spell-casting. Making your valentine aware that you can turn them into a scorpion, summon a wolf at any time, or go back in time to make sure they were never born will probably accomplish nothing besides making them question your sanity.
- Unlike monogamy or polygamy, xenogamy is not a type of human relationship. Informing your date that you are only interested in a xenogamous relationship will make them think you’re into some weird shit, when in fact you’re just telling them that you prefer relationships focused on transferring pollen between flowers.
Y: Yellow Fever
- Don’t transmit yellow fever to your date, don’t ask them to transmit it to you. There’s literally no reason to do this. I don’t mean to kink-shame, but I really don’t know why that would sound appealing to anyone.
- You should involve zucchini in your date plan in as many capacities as possible. Bring it with you in a bag, throw it at your date, and try to hide it in their food. This is a playful way to show your date that you’re comfortable being silly with them and that you’re a successful gardener.