5 Reasons You Should Date Pre-Med

By Audrey Lingan

Is your dating life a steaming pile of shit? Well, have I got a solution for you: date a pre-med. Sure, there’s the obvious benefits. It’s probably a safe bet they’re hardworking and, hey, if it works out, you might’ve snagged yourself a doctor. Regardless, here are the real reasons that’ll send you barreling into Stevenson with nothing but a tiny thong and a bottle of lube. 

1.
Do you have deep-seated daddy issues from your father constantly out to “get milk”??? Keep the train going and date a pre-med. Seeing your pre-med partner will be like getting a period: once a month, emotional, and you’ll probably talk about blood. Seeing your partner is so 2023! Yeah, you’ll lack physical intimacy, but now you can brag to your friends that you’re (blood pressure) cuffed!

2.
If you struggle to come up with conversation topics because you have the personality of Wonderbread, never fear! That problem will never arise with your pre-med partner. Your partner will be a cornucopia of engaging conversation starters like which classes they should take so they look smart for medical school, where they should volunteer so they look like a good person for medical school, and what they should research so they look impressive for medical school. Nary a dull moment with your beloved.

3.
Your partner will treat you like a model— an anatomical one! Dirty talk is overrated; why not be sprawled out on your twin XL while your partner sensually lists out medical terminology? Gosh, I’m getting idiopathic craniofacial erythema (if you know, you know) just thinking about it! So, kids, get frisky and bump inguinal regions. 

4.
Ever considered being a therapist? You’ll be a natural after dating a pre-med. After just one midterm season you will have practically earned a master’s in psychology. Assuring your partner that they will achieve their dreams is a Sisyphean task, but while you’re under that boulder you’ll learn a few things about compassion and active listening. So, while you’re consoling your partner after they get an A-, consider the career change. 

5.
Have a degradation kink? You’re in luck. Your partner will manage to shame you without even trying. Think you have an overwhelming schedule? That’s cute. Your partner has a biochem exam on Friday. Oh, did you learn a cool science fact? That’s so interesting, “Bill Nye”, your partner probably knew that when they were conceived. As they list out their multitude of accomplishments, you’ll feel a tantalizing sense of inadequacy wash over you—so hot. 

Congratulations, your dating woes have been solved. So, ditch the apps and find a debonair pre-med to split a Celsius with. I guarantee your partner will be kind and love nothing but Y – (hpa)O-U!