Unlocking the Ultimate Academic Hack: My Top-Secret Strategy REVEALED! 😱📚

By Deniz Orbay

“Oh my god, Student. This… this grade! It’s brilliant!” says the Professor-man, mouth agape, ogling my Exam result. “I’ve… I’ve never seen anything like it!”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” I say humbly, my blue orbs peering toward the ground out of fake respect to the Professor-man. “You teach the Content really well.”

“But… Student, your memory must be impeccable because if mine doesn’t betray me, I taught the Content four weeks ago! How did you remember all of the information?” 

It’s the same dance every time. The Professor calls my name after Class, a confused expression on their face, questioning my remarkable prowess and accuracy and the Sherlockian Mind Palace of a brain I have at my disposal. “How did you retain all of this Knowledge just from listening in Class?” they ask me. I kick my feet and twirl my hair, like the anime girl I am.

Such fools. Imbeciles. And to call them academics — they are not worthy of such a title. You wanna know my secret? I’ll tell you. Here’s what they don’t know about me, about how I get such high Grades: I literally just re-read the Slides the night before.

Hold the applause, I know your mind is blown right now. I mean, if the Professor-people can’t fathom my wisdom, how can a measly ex-pre-med HOD-looking ass conceive such tricks and illusions? Alas, that is my secret. I just practice the stuff that will be on the Exam, before the Exam.

The Slides are on Brightspace you know. Well, obviously you don’t, but I do. And you know what else? Those notes you take in Class, you can look at them again. I do. Like, the stuff you write down, that stuff is actually on the Exam most of the time. And so, before every Exam I sit alone at Love’s Circle looking down on the buffoons who already forgot the Content and do what I like to call… “Studying.”

Some call it unfair. Some say it’s cheating. Some call it a disgrace to the pillars of academics and education that this beautiful country was built on. But what can I say? It works every time. I just reread the Content, ace the Exam, and next thing you know, I am at a Professor-man’s mountain cabin, sipping Pinot Grigio and complimenting each other’s intelligence back and forth until it is sleepy time.

Well, to be completely honest with all of you, I guess it doesn’t work sometimes. Like, for Example, when I am having tons of Intercourse (which happens often), I sometimes can’t find the time to Study. But that is out of choice, not inability.

And there you have it. Next time you’re scared you won’t be able to do well on your Exam because you don’t remember what you learned in Class, just be like me and do some Studying. Trust me, it’s better than having to explain to your parents that a 2.0 is “definitely average for engineering, I swear.”