2008: A 15th Anniversary Celebration
By Sam Sliman
Let me take you back to a time when things were simpler. A time when life was slower, the world made a little more sense and we still had a modicum of faith that financial institutions wouldn’t crumble beneath us at the drop of a hat. That time, of course, is 2008. In order to provide you with a fully immersive and nostalgic experience, I’ve decided to gift you with some of the funniest headlines I would have published that year.
“Occupy Wall Street?” Says Vanderbilt Student, “My Dad Does That Every Day!”
Ah yes, the classic “Vanderbilt rich” joke. Home to the highest percentage of one percenters, our school has long maintained its reputation for rich kids living off of daddy’s money. What better way to bring attention to that fact than a good ole fashioned financial crisis? Honestly, this one barely qualifies as satire, as I’m sure this came out of some dumbass’s mouth back then.
Goodbye Bush! Why I’m Shaving My Pubic Hair to Celebrate Obama’s Inauguration
If I had any pubic hair back in 2008, I definitely would have done this. But alas, I was but a bald-balled baby boy. I will simply have to wait until everyone’s favorite, Jeb Bush, finally takes and leaves office, as we all know he one day will.
Big Banks Are Getting Bailed Out, but Why Isn’t Bobby Shmurda?
Look, I understand that Bobby Shmurda wasn’t in jail in 2008. I know that he hadn’t released an album yet and was barely relevant, but I just needed someone to make the joke work. It’s not my fault that no one important got arrested in 2008. For the time being, I must simply ask you to buy into my fantasy and pretend that Bobby Shmurda was in jail in 2008, and that in fact, this joke is incredibly funny.
Too Big To Fail—Why Air Bud Has To Win The Championship This Year
I know, I know. Another headline about the financial crisis. Like geez, we get it. But you try coming up with anything else that was relevant in 2008. I sure as hell can’t, and you know what, this one even has a nice little Air Bud twist.
Sure, if big banks were to collapse, the economy would probably be in shambles. But if Air Bud lost the championship? We would lose the soul of the people. We would lose hope. We would lose the one thing driving us to keep pushing that boulder up the hill day by day. We cannot allow Air Bud to fail. We just can’t.
