How I Plan to Use My Wet Ass Pussy to Stop California’s Wildfires
By: Slant Staff
The California wildfires have been threatening our ecological safety since 1932. These wildfires are just another demonstration that climate change has already become irreversible. Greedy lawmakers refuse to pass climate policy in order to benefit their own interests. I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think that these fires should stop. They are not good. So, I decided to take a personal approach to abolishing the fires. Apparently if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.
I went to California and did my best to reason with the fires. I started by politely asking, and then I graduated to seduction. “I love how fiery you are, it makes me so hot. You light up my life like nothing else.” But nothing worked. Push came to shove and I got angry. I’ll admit I do that sometimes. I started yelling, and the fires burned ever hotter. In a whirlwind of disgust and shame at my actions, I pleaded with them to “please, just stop, just stop, look at me, this isn’t you, you’re better than this,” but to no avail. They just won’t listen to me. I knew I had to take more direct action.
Now, I didn’t work my ass off for a black belt in the Club Penguin dojo to forget that water beats fire. And I have just the source: this fat, juicy, gorilla grip, slip-n-slide, Timothee Chalamet’s ripe peach, watermelon sugar, wet ass pussy. I knew what I had to do. I have detailed it out in a simple, two-step plan, so you too may join me and end this ecological warfare.
Step 1: Get in the sky. Doesn’t really matter how, just position yourself directly above the fire. Charter a helicopter, go skydiving, secure an exit seat in a commercial flight and open the doors while the flight attendants plead for you to stop. It doesn’t matter. The ends justify the means, and it will always be an eye for an eye. Or, in this case, some singed coochie hairs for being a hero of this lifetime.
Step 2: Squirt. Squirt like you’ve never squirted before. Squirt like your life depends on it, and then squirt harder. This is not a squirt and skirt situation with a random hookup which ended up being one of the most earth-shattering experiences of your life but you still wanted to get out of there before he started showing you his camera roll. You will stay, and you will squeeze out those juices from that certified Megan Thee Stallion WAP until you have saved California. We can do this together. A group of tree-hugging queens with vaginas squatting and squirting on California’s trees. That, my friends, is called feminism. Join me in this fourth-wave feminist movement and do what policymakers can’t!
